[If these I.D.E.A.s interest you, be sure to attend this event.]

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Have you ever experienced the spark and inspiration of synergy? Of course. We all have. It is part of what drives us to want to be in relationship. Whether it is the muse of romance or the creativity that comes form a new business partnership, or the increased power of community and intentionality…we strive for synergy. And yet do we always experience synergy in relationship? Of course not. And at the other end of the spectrum we experience conflict.

There are so many approaches to relationships in these post-post-modern times. Not only are there different forms of relating that have become socially tolerated, if not often fully culturally acceptable, but also, so many ways which we can experience those forms, depending on our evolutionary stage of development.

At the same time, there is a way to approach relating with another human being that is most responsible, takes a fuller view into account, and provides balance, insight, and wisdom.

That approach is to view all relating as quantum relating.

In the quantum world in which we live, do one and one always equal two? No. They do not. Conduct this simple experiment: place one gallon of pure grain alcohol in a container with one gallon of distilled water. It will never equal two gallons. It will never equal two gallons because of the way the two properties interact.

So it is with people and with relationships. If two people come together and they experience synergy, then one and one equal more than two; “greater than the sum of its parts”. If two people come together and they experience conflict, then one and one equal less than two: conflict. We think because we know “one” and we know “one” and one and one equals two that we therefore know “two”. However we forgot to conduct a study of “and”.

Quantum relating is about understanding the “and”.

We often say that “s/he beings out the best [or worst] in me.” This is accurate, but it is incomplete. The more complete and balanced view is “we bring something out in each other”. The still more complete view is that we all have our own behavioral and thought patterns that, when brought together with another’s, create some reaction. They may create a strong positive chemical, mental, or spiritual reaction, creating synergy, or they may create a strong negative chemical, mental, or spiritual reaction creating conflict. Our patterns either mesh well and create more forward motion, like a well used transmission in a car, or our patterns grind like the gears in a transmission when the clutch is forgotten about.

But again, what is the difference that makes the difference? How can synergy be called upon and conflict be shot-circuited? How do we avoid conflict and misery? How do we assure more synergy?

The first step is to elicit values. I recommend that anyone who is interested or attracted to another in romance or in business or in friendship ask this simple question early on: “what is important to you in life ?” or in the context you are considering relating in. “What is important to you in a business partnership?” “What is important to you in relating romantically?” “What else is important to you?” Ask it five or more times. You are looking for words that are abstract enough to be values. Words like “communication”, “accountability”, “freedom”, “synergy”, “depth”, “contribution,” etc. They are words we relate to as “things” but they are really concepts or processes. They are nouns, but they cannot be picked up and put into a wheelbarrow.

Already knowing your own values, you can then compare values lists and if the top three are not in alignment [or worse, are in conflict such as the classic “freedom” on one side and “security/safety” on the other, then the relationship will predictably lead to misery sooner or later. This is an unavoidable law of nature.

Knowing this, if we still choose to enter in relating with the person, what we are faced with is our irrational and/or unconscious attachment to this person or that person—something wonderful to notice. But often even then, it is not attachment to a person as we think it is, but rather to some imagined experience, set of experiences, or some imagined future with this person. An imagined future; a fantasy we want fulfilled.

This elicitation of values should happen very early on—at the first sign of interest or possibility of working together. This will save time and energy. To avoid doing this because of chemistry, attraction, or assumption of alignment is to be responsible for creating your own misery.

This insight is the first step in relating consciously rather than unconsciously and pre-rationally.

As a side note, if, in the romantic context, you are looking for another to “complete” you, “fulfill” you or are looking for your “other half” or for another to fulfill you, all the values alignment in the world will not save you from the predictable misery, but that is another story for another time.

So once in the relationship, what is the best structure for thrival? In reality, the truth is we all have rules that we hold people accountable to. The only question is whether they are conscious and explicit [and therefore just] or are they implicit and/or unconscious [and therefore unjust and often used in a manipulative way to “leverage” others subtly or not so subtly.

What I have experienced as working is to have as few rules as possible, for in that liberty the beauty of our spirits can spring forth. The more rules one has, the more If you follow these simple I.D.E.A.s, for this to occur, there are only three “rules” or agreements necessary:

That is the “what”, but what is the “how” of this? Let’s take these one at a time, for while they are simple, they are certainly not easy. It becomes easier and easier the more your egoic development progresses—the wider your identity becomes and the more of the expanse of consciousness and the universe you are identified with—but that is the lifetime game of personal evolution.

Telling the Truth

Telling the truth is not just about not lying. It is about honoring yourself—expressing what you truly want. It is about saying what is there for you—what is in the space between you when you look at the other person. “Of course!” You may say. But we stop short all the time, don’t we? Or we share irresponsibly by blaming and shaming. We do this for several reasons:

As in all things related to evolution, it is not a question of whether we experience the above or not—but rather to what degree.

What is fundamentally necessary for telling the truth is our ability to witness our sensations and emotions as well as meta-cognition—that is thinking about our thinking or about our own process. It is these skills of self-observation that allow us to notice when we have internal dissonance and to notice how telling the truth typically relieves that tension. We can also share “responsibly”. That is we can say “I am noticing I am…” upset, etc. rather than the irresponsible “you upset me”, etc.

Additionally, the acceptance that there is no true “one” for us assists in relieving the attachment once noticed. That there are many and that each relationship we have will be deeper and richer for so long as we are conscious and consciously evolving we are attaining greater depths. As a result, we can reflect back greater depths. As a result we have deeper and richer relating. We often also confuse qualities that we love for the people—collapsing qualities with identity.

The truth, contrary to the Platonic view of love, is that there is no “other half” for us to find or be completed by. And to paraphrase Nathaniel Branden, until one is completely at ease with the truth that they are ultimately alone are they ready for healthy romantic love.

Hearing the Truth

Hearing the truth can be even more challenging. Someone we love may have just told us they are not attracted to us anymore or that they are in love with another or that they broke an agreement or that they think we are x, y, z [unpleasant things] or that they experienced pain as a result of some action or behavior we demonstrated. Our egos may be bruised. We may be uncomfortable. We may be hurt. We may be in shame. We may be embarrassed. Yet it comes out as closed defensiveness—protecting our small egos. At the same time, it is in these moments when hearing the truth can be most important. For if we demonstrate a consistent inability to hear the truth, the Other may stop sharing it—and in that moment when they make that choice, the relationship has truly begin to shift from thrival and dynamism to survival and ultimately, spiritual death where we are just going through the motions. Our spirits and expression have literally been damplened, and eventually…extinguished.

Less and less will be said. Less and less will truly be know. Less and less will be shared.

if you have trouble hearing the truth, put your attention on the Other. Imagine how much courage it took them to tell you the truth. Imagine that they had to overcome all of their own fears. Open into that, thank them, and walk through the gateway of true love and intimacy. That gateway is truth.

Hearing the truth is also about developing enough true esteem for the Self that what someone is telling you, while important, means nothing about your own worth, or your value as a being. But rather, it is an opportunity to deepen the relating. An opportunity to evolve yourself. An opportunity for increased intimacy.

Or at worst, an opportunity to discover whether your patterns still mesh well—or not.

There are, of course, many ways to stop conflcit and create synergy from it, but that is for Part 2 of Quantum Relating.

Communication, ego, inter-personal dynamics, relationships