One of the challenges I see so many coaches and solopreneurs struggle with is what they should charge for their services. Most do not know what they should charge. Many charge what they think they can get. Some charge whatever the next coach or practitioner charges. That is–”the going rate”. Many charge what they would be willing to pay themselves. Most charge less than they are worth–while improving the lives of others dramatically.

But why? And what are the solutions to this travesty of value?

We have already covered errors in philosophical grounding, lack of skill, and a failure of implementing a sustainable structure for your business–and for the scope of your clients’ needs.

What is next?

More nuts and bolts rather than philosophical grounding or mindset:

Mistake: Having only 1 stream of prospects

Most coaches and solo-preneurs rely on word of mouth. Word of mouth is critical. In the 21st Century marketplace there are hyper-empowered and talkative people. This is good for you. However, it is not enough. Make a decision now to take control–to be the locus of responsibility–for the success of your business. While word of mouth is critical, it is only one of at least three prospect streams the successful solopreneur must establish for themselves. What are those three?

Solution:

• Formalized referral systems [two of them]
• Speaking engagements and free evening talks
• Word of mouth

The two formalized referral systems?

• An affiliate program with a percentage or fee for referrals
• Write a referral clause into your client contract–requiring two if the client is happy with your services. While you do not want to be heavy handed about this, it does set their intention and focuses their awareness on a more formal approach to referrals

The evening talks?

• Make it explicit in your marketing AND in your introductory remarks that you are there for two reasons:
  • to provide value to their lives–first and foremost
  • to expose people to and offer an introduction to your services

Word of mouth?

• Consider this a great backup and occasional unexpected icing on the cake when those unintentional or random referrals occur. And occur they will.

If you do this, and you consider them in this order of importance, you will always be in control of your flow of clients and prospects–and they will flow in. Your sustainable prosperity will follow.

Mistake: Failure to leverage contact points and the opportunity they hold

Solution: many

• Consider any contact point you have with a prospect [be it an initial session, an email, or a phone call] an opportunity for you to leverage them beyond their current limitations emotionally or mentally–an opportunity for your to expand their world. An opportunity for you to be of service.
• Do not give “free initial coaching sessions”
  • Many coaches and many prospects think it is beneficial to give away services or to experience the practitioner directly. I have never found this to be effective in a prosperous business. If you want to turn your practice into a business then offer a complimentary exploratory session–and consider it an information gathering session for you and a sales presentation for the prospect. Let them get a sense of you, but do not give them free coaching. You are not part of a buffet. You want them to commit to a more fulfilling experience. A full 3 course meal. Be sure to show them the menu and explain the dishes and presentation–be sure to demonstrate your competence, but be careful you are making sure your contact point is leveraged to its full potential–for their sake in finally having a better life–and for yours in creating a sustainable and prosperous business.
  • Have them make a decision one way or the other in that exploratory session. If you let them “think about it” then they will get less and less clear on what you presented, and therefore less and less clear on what it will make possible in their lives and their fear and limitations kick in. The very habit patters of the mind that they are coming to you to resolve take over. It is your duty to guide them to a choice in that session. Yes and no are both fine answers–but require an answer. I will often ask a prospect who wants to “think about it” if that is the thing that stops them elsewhere in their lives. That is usually all I have to say in those situations for them to sign the agreement in front of them.
  • Be respectful with their experience–set context–and make sure when you chat with them on the phone for the purpose of setting up the exploratory session that they are aware of the process–that they know you will clarify what they want, then explain your approach, and then if it is a fit–have them review a contract. Those contact points are critical for your guidance of the client to changing their lives.
• When a client sends you an email raving about your contribution–or when they acknowledge you verbally communicating the difference you have made for them–ask them if you can quote them. Turn that acknowledgment into a testimonial for your marketing materials.

There are more examples I could give, but remember, if you want to have sustainable prosperity and truly be of service to a larger and larger portion of your community, and therefore be an agent of change rippling out to assist in creating a better global condition–consider every contact point an opportunity.

Mistake: Considering Your Service a Commodity

There is a reason I do not publish my rates.

My services are not a commodity on the shelf to be price-shopped. And no one else does what I do, really. And consider that you offer something unique that no one else does. In discovering that you will not only feel better about your “fees”, but you will also have take the first step in being able to communicate the value of your services to your clients and prospects in such a way that your fees seems insignificant and nearly irrelevant when measured against the value your service will bring to their lives.

And really–just between you and me–do you really feel that a number, no matter how reasonable or how unreasonable it may seem communicates the scope and richness of the difference your service can provide in their lives? Unless you have nothing unique to offer–you do your prospects a disservice by buying into their mindset that they can price shop.

I have never lost an opportunity or had a client not want to work with me as a result of this approach. In fact, it is one of the secrets of my success–selling from vision and value and having the money be a formality–but an afterthought.

Mistake #7: Did I say 6?

I guess there is at least one more: “Healing” that which you need to resolve in your self and in your own life by healing others

I am going to say something harsh here and say that I consider it unethical–yes, “unethical” for coaches, therapist, or “healers” to work on the same issues with clients that they have not resolved within themselves.

While you may still be able to provide solutions–at least be honest with your client that you have not handled it in your own life. And make a choice now to only provide services that you feel competent, resolved with, and apply to your self in your own life.

If you are a relationship coach–have a great relationship. If you are a coach around self-esteem, have a well developed ego [in the positive and healthy sense]. If you are an addict who is still smoking, drinking, or doing drugs, do not counsel others on that. Do not look to heal your wounds through the wounds of others. There is a danger of projection, and even more so–how can you charge someone to solve something you have been unable to demonstrate as being solved in your own life?

I hope this article helps you in your desire for sustainable prosperity.

We have already covered errors in philosophical grounding, lack of skill, and a failure of implementing a sustainable structure for your business–and for the scope of your clients’ needs.

What is next?

More nuts and bolts rather than philosophical grounding or mindset:

Mistake: Having only 1 stream of prospects

Most coaches and solo-preneurs rely on word of mouth. Word of mouth is critical. In the 21st Century marketplace there are hyper-empowered and talkative people. This is good for you. However, it is not enough. Make a decision now to take control–to be the locus of responsibility–for the success of your business. While word of mouth is critical, it is only one of at least three prospect streams the successful solo-preneur must establish for themselves. What are those three?

Solution:

• Formalized referral systems [two of them]
• Speaking engagements and free evening talks
• Word of mouth

The two formalized referral systems?

• An affiliate program with a percentage or fee for referrals
• Write a referral clause into your client contract–requiring two if the client is happy with your services. While you do not want to be heavy handed about this, it does set their intention and focus their awareness on a more formal approach to referrals

The evening talks?

• Make it explicit in your marketing AND in your introductory remarks that you are there for two reasons:
  • to provide value to their lives–first and foremost
  • to expose people to and offer an introduction to your services

Word of mouth?

• Consider this a great backup and occasional unexpected icing on the cake when those unintentional or random referrals occur. And occur they will.

If you do this, and you consider them in this order of importance, you will always be in control of your flow of clients and prospects–and they will flow in. Your sustainable prosperity will follow.

Mistake: Failure to leverage contact points and the opportunity they hold

Solution: many

• Consider any contact point you have with a prospect [be it an initial session, an email, or a phone call] an opportunity for you to leverage them beyond their current limitations emotionally or mentally–an opportunity for your to expand their world. An opportunity for you to be of service.
• Do not give “free initial coaching sessions”
  • Many coaches and many prospects think it is beneficial to give away services or to experience the practitioner directly. I have never found this to be effective in a prosperous business. If you want to turn your practice into a business then offer a complimentary exploratory session–and consider it an information gathering session for you and a sales presentation for the prospect. Let them get a sense of you, but do not give them free coaching. You are not part of a buffet. You want them to commit to a more fulfilling experience. A full 3 course meal. Be sure to show them the menu and explain the dishes and presentation–be sure to demonstrate your competence, but be careful you are making sure your contact point is leveraged to its full potential–for their sake in finally having a better life–and for yours in creating a sustainable and prosperous business.
  • Have them make a decision one way or the other in that exploratory session. If you let them “think about it” then they will get less and less clear on what you presented, and therefore less and less clear on what it will make possible in their lives and their fear and limitations kick in. The very habit patters of the mind that they are coming to you to resolve take over. It is your duty to guide them to a choice in that session. Yes and no are both fine answers–but require an answer. I will often ask a prospect who wants to “think about it” if that is the thing that stops them elsewhere in their lives. That is usually all I have to say in those situations for them to sign the agreement in front of them.
  • Be respectful with their experience–set context–and make sure when you chat with them on the phone for the purpose of setting up the exploratory session that they are aware of the process–that they know you will clarify what they want, then explain your approach, and then if it is a fit–have them review a contract. Those contact points are critical for your guidance of the client to changing their lives.
• When a client sends you an email raving about your contribution–or when they acknowledge you verbally communicating the difference you have made for them–ask them if you can quote them. Turn that acknowledgment into a testimonial for your marketing materials.

There are more examples I could give, but remember, if you want to have sustainable prosperity and truly be of service to a larger and larger portion of your community, and therefore be an agent of change rippling out to assist in creating a better global condition–consider every contact point an opportunity.

Mistake: Considering Your Service a Commodity

There is a reason I do not publish my rates.

My services are not a commodity on the shelf to be price-shopped. And no one else does what I do, really. And consider that you offer something unique that no one else does. In discovering that you will not only feel better about your “fees”, but you will also have take the first step in being able to communicate the value of your services to your clients and prospects in such a way that your fees seems insignificant and nearly irrelevant when measured against the value your service will bring to their lives.

And really–just between you and me–do you really feel that a number, no matter how reasonable or how unreasonable it may seem communicates the scope and richness of the difference your service can provide in their lives? Unless you have nothing unique to offer–you do your prospects a disservice by buying into their mindset that they can price shop.

I have never lost an opportunity or had a client not want to work with me as a result of this approach. In fact, it is one of the secrets of my success–selling from vision and value and having the money be a formality–but an afterthought.

Mistake #7: Did I say 6?

I guess there is at least one more: “Healing” that which you need to resolve in your self and in your own life by healing others

I am going to say something harsh here and say that I consider it unethical–yes, “unethical” for coaches, therapist, or “healers” to work on the same issues with clients that they have not resolved within themselves.

While you may still be able to provide solutions–at least be honest with your client that you have not handled it in your own life. And make a choice now to only provide services that you feel competent, resolved with, and apply to your self in your own life.

If you are a relationship coach–have a great relationship. If you are a coach around self-esteem, have a well developed ego [in the positive and healthy sense]. If you are an addict who is still smoking, drinking, or doing drugs, do not counsel others on that. Do not look to heal your wounds through the wounds of others. There is a danger of projection, and even more so–how can you charge someone to solve something you have been unable to demonstrate as being solved in your own life?

I hope this article helps you in your desire for sustainable prosperity. Read, listen, learn, and thrive.

It is amazing how many coaches, solopreneurs, massage therapists, lawyers, etc. are competent at what they do–yet suffer financially. They are doing good, but they are not doing well–that is, they are struggling financially, mentally, and emotionally.

There are reasons for this. I have identified the top 6 reasons–and their solutions-that I have found in my experience in my own business as well as observing those who still have a “practice”.

The first 3 are presented to you below. The next three will be in Part 2 in a couple of weeks.

A Lack of Integral Thinking: “Money and Spirituality are in Conflict”

For some, “capitalism” is a bad word. Which makes sense. “Capitalism” was a phrase coined by the biggest enemy of the free market and free enterprise to ever live–Karl Marx. Yet, we keep that inaccurate and pejorative moniker. We were taught for thousands of years that to profit was bad–and then this meme was punctuated by the evils of capitalism laid out by a failed mathematician who had no foresight into the services industry–never mind respect for private property and Natural Law and was therefore essentially a thief on a grand scale. Even though with the rise of capitalism in the mid-1800s, our standard of living has more than trebled, never mind that our life expectancy has doubled in a short time as a result…it…is…bad.

While there was a a time when one could only profit by exploitation and manipulation or by inheritance or plunder, this has not been accurate for nearly 300 years.

[Before commenting on this, please read my series of articles on Spiritual Capitalism, found here: Read First || Read Second || Read Third.]

Maybe we should consider throwing off the chains of thinking birthed centuries before the Enlightenment and even before the founding of this Country and came to a head–and have been proven to be inaccurate, ineffective, and fundamentally broken in the last Century.

The truth is, it is not only possible to come from service and contribution in a “for profit” environment–that is to live a purpose-filled life–but also to profit well from it and to live prosperously. It takes some personal work–being mindful of your thinking, cleaning out your unconscious imprints of guilt and shame, and to constantly be of service while having sufficient esteem for your self to recognize the value you are bringing to another’s life and to have them provide that value monetarily in exchange. It takes a lack of attachment to “closing that deal” and being more focused on service and “opening relationships”–and much more.

Actually, I have found what can be provided to our clients lives is priceless to them. Fees are insignificant when weighed against what the work we do in their lives will make possible. It is not a commodity. It is a gateway to greater freedom and happiness. We can live a spiritually oriented life–and integrate free-market, service-based principles into that.

By doing so, we integrate our spiritual and our financial life. This frees us from guilt, shame, and allows us to flourish spiritually while prospering financially.

Lack of Skill: Sales and Marketing

We have all had negative experience with sales people. Not sales professionals, but sales people–that is, people who want to “close a deal” rather than open a relationship. And most sales trainers teach techniques with little regard for a philosophical base or grounding. I do not support that.

I used to think sales was a dirty word. That was until I realized that until I could influence people to take action in their lives–leverage them beyond their limitations–I could never really do much good in the world. You can only be a positive agent for change if you can inspire others to move beyond their current thinking–the thinking that has them in their current life situation and has stopped them from being fully free and thriving.

Therefore–if you truly want to do good in the world, it becomes your duty–yes, your duty–to assist others in overcoming their limitations. That means learning to sell and market your services in a compelling way that comes from service and contribution while combining that with powerful tool of influence.

You must gain those skills if you want to make a difference and be prosperous.

While it may be hard to swallow at first [took me years to accept] you must be a sales person first–that is you must be able to enroll others in a vision–to live your purpose and prosper.

Error in Structure: Service, Sustainability, and Packages

One you are coming from service and contribution, you begin to consider what would best serve the client. Most practitioners have session-by-session practices or monthly packages, but they do not have comprehensive packages that have stages and phases in them. How many people out there have dabbled here and dabbled there and never really bucked down and did the deep work to reveal greater depths within themselves? I have found most clients approach their personal development this way. “Well, I have tried this and I have tried that…”, [but I never really got what I needed that was deeper].

The best thing you can do as a coach or a practitioner is to find a way to create a compelling 3-stage or 3-phase offering that allows the client to reveal greater and greater depths or to attain greater and greater heights. For a massage therapist, this may mean something like:

• Healing
• Activating
• Opening

For a Coach it may mean something like:

• Clarity
• Tool Gathering/Education
• Purpose/Action

I am just pulling these out of my pocket and tossing them out there. The point is that if you truly want to be of service to your clients, you will develop a phased program so that they finally make a deep commitment to themselves–and they finally achieve that elusive transformation–mentally, emotionally, and perhaps spiritually, they have been looking for for years.

In the process, you create a sustainable practice with monthly payments coming in–and you get to then relax and be certain you are always acting with integrity and acting ethically. People only get slimy when they are desperate. You owe it to your clients to create a deep compelling offer that is only offered with integrity–and you owe it to your self to be prosperous as a purpose driven helper. Everyone wins.

And wouldn’t you like to be in a position to say to to a prospect you really do not want to work with? Of course you would. Wouldn’t you like to always operate with full integrity and ethics intact coming from service and contribution? Of course you would. Wouldn’t you like to provide comprehensive solutions to your clients so you can make a deep and lasting positive impact on their lives?

Of course you would.

[the next 3 top problems/errors and solutions will be handled in part 2]

It is amazing how many coaches, solopreneurs, massage therapists, lawyers, etc. are competent at what they do–yet suffer financially. They are doing good, but they are not doing well–that is, they are struggling financially, mentally, and emotionally.

There are reasons for this. I have identified the top 6 reasons–and their solutions-that I have found in my experience in my own business as well as observing those who still have a “practice”.

The first 3 are presented to you below. The next three will be in Part 2 in a couple of weeks.

A Lack of Integral Thinking: “Money and Spirituality are in Conflict”

For some, “capitalism” is a bad word. Which makes sense. “Capitalism” was a phrase coined by the biggest enemy of the free market and free enterprise to ever live–Karl Marx. Yet, we keep that inaccurate and pejorative moniker. We were taught for thousands of years that to profit was bad–and then this meme was punctuated by the evils of capitalism laid out by a failed mathematician who had no foresight into the services industry–never mind respect for private property and Natural Law and was therefore essentially a thief on a grand scale. Even though with the rise of capitalism in the mid-1800s, our standard of living has more than trebled, never mind that our life expectancy has doubled in a short time as a result…it…is…bad.

While there was a a time when one could only profit by exploitation and manipulation or by inheritance or plunder, this has not been accurate for nearly 300 years.

[Before commenting on this, please read my series of articles on Spiritual Capitalism, found here: Read First || Read Second || Read Third.]

Maybe we should consider throwing off the chains of thinking birthed centuries before the Enlightenment and even before the founding of this Country and came to a head–and have been proven to be inaccurate, ineffective, and fundamentally broken in the last Century.

The truth is, it is not only possible to come from service and contribution in a “for profit” environment–that is to live a purpose-filled life–but also to profit well from it and to live prosperously. It takes some personal work–being mindful of your thinking, cleaning out your unconscious imprints of guilt and shame, and to constantly be of service while having sufficient esteem for your self to recognize the value you are bringing to another’s life and to have them provide that value monetarily in exchange. It takes a lack of attachment to “closing that deal” and being more focused on service and “opening relationships”–and much more.

Actually, I have found what can be provided to our clients lives is priceless to them. Fees are insignificant when weighed against what the work we do in their lives will make possible. It is not a commodity. It is a gateway to greater freedom and happiness. We can live a spiritually oriented life–and integrate free-market, service-based principles into that.

By doing so, we integrate our spiritual and our financial life. This frees us from guilt, shame, and allows us to flourish spiritually while prospering financially.

Lack of Skill: Sales and Marketing

We have all had negative experience with sales people. Not sales professionals, but sales people–that is, people who want to “close a deal” rather than open a relationship. And most sales trainers teach techniques with little regard for a philosophical base or grounding. I do not support that.

I used to think sales was a dirty word. That was until I realized that until I could influence people to take action in their lives–leverage them beyond their limitations–I could never really do much good in the world. You can only be a positive agent for change if you can inspire others to move beyond their current thinking–the thinking that has them in their current life situation and has stopped them from being fully free and thriving.

Therefore–if you truly want to do good in the world, it becomes your duty–yes, your duty–to assist others in overcoming their limitations. That means learning to sell and market your services in a compelling way that comes from service and contribution while combining that with powerful tool of influence.

You must gain those skills if you want to make a difference and be prosperous.

While it may be hard to swallow at first [took me years to accept] you must be a sales person first–that is you must be able to enroll others in a vision–to live your purpose and prosper.

Error in Structure: Service, Sustainability, and Packages

One you are coming from service and contribution, you begin to consider what would best serve the client. Most practitioners have session-by-session practices or monthly packages, but they do not have comprehensive packages that have stages and phases in them. How many people out there have dabbled here and dabbled there and never really bucked down and did the deep work to reveal greater depths within themselves? I have found most clients approach their personal development this way. “Well, I have tried this and I have tried that…”, [but I never really got what I needed that was deeper].

The best thing you can do as a coach or a practitioner is to find a way to create a compelling 3-stage or 3-phase offering that allows the client to reveal greater and greater depths or to attain greater and greater heights. For a massage therapist, this may mean something like:

• Healing
• Activating
• Opening

For a Coach it may mean something like:

• Clarity
• Tool Gathering/Education
• Purpose/Action

I am just pulling these out of my pocket and tossing them out there. The point is that if you truly want to be of service to your clients, you will develop a phased program so that they finally make a deep commitment to themselves–and they finally achieve that elusive transformation–mentally, emotionally, and perhaps spiritually, they have been looking for for years.

In the process, you create a sustainable practice with monthly payments coming in–and you get to then relax and be certain you are always acting with integrity and acting ethically. People only get slimy when they are desperate. You owe it to your clients to create a deep compelling offer that is only offered with integrity–and you owe it to your self to be prosperous as a purpose driven helper. Everyone wins.

And wouldn’t you like to be in a position to say to to a prospect you really do not want to work with? Of course you would. Wouldn’t you like to always operate with full integrity and ethics intact coming from service and contribution? Of course you would. Wouldn’t you like to provide comprehensive solutions to your clients so you can make a deep and lasting positive impact on their lives?

Of course you would.

[the next 3 top problems/errors and solutions will be handled in part 2]

[Listener Question]

It is unbelievable what I missed the first time through.

Yes. Most people do not believe me [or perhaps literally do not hear me] when I say to listen at least three times through all the way first because of what is missed by the human physiology/sense tools the first time–and even the second. Additionally, you are different, deeper, richer, or just plain have a new focus and so hear things differently–or perhaps for the first time, not having the ability to receive it/fit it into your linguistic or conceptual structures the last time you heard it–even after several listenings. I still re-listen to audio products I bought 10 years ago and hear them in ways that blow my mind now.

I do have one questions…how do I pace myself through the program. First time through was as you were releasing new episodes… now i have 16. I’m fighting back the urge to do them all at once…..

Thank you for this very important question. That depends on your own process and your internal processing. If you are a more kinesthetic person [talking slower, looking down a lot, feeling, touchy feely, perhaps], then you will get it more deeply, but it will take you longer to fully understand the scope. If you have good auditory digital recall, you may remember verbatim the first time–the guy who never studied in college, but always attended the lectures, then aces the final is one example of someone with good auditory digital processing. A visual person will often think they have it, because the understand it cognitively the first time–and very rapidly, but they do not have it deeply in their neurology and will lose or miss stuff thinking they already “know” it because they understood it rapidly. These people have the toughest time accepting that they understand it or cognize it, but have not necessarily “learned” it.

When I say “learn” I do not mean remember or understand cognitively, I mean that they actually behave from the mindset, or that it is their patterned response–their new habit pattern or new emotional reaction or their “natural” way or predictable way of responding.

On that note, a while back I wrote a piece to support this titled Insight and Integration. You can read it HERE.

So…how do you pace yourself? I would make sure you listen to episodes 0 through 16 all the way through at least three times so that you can the model in your mind to such a degree that you can trouble shoot your own performance from an objective perspective. That requires you to mentally and conceptually hold the entire model in your mind. Do that all the way through. THEN go back slowly and go through it to do the exercises and play with the ideas and component parts individually.

And remember–there is no inherent number of times to listen to it when you are “done”. You are never done–there is just the asymptotic nature of Personal and Professional Evolution. The question is two what degree and in which contexts have I integrated it?

Hope this helps!

Be sure to read Part 1 here first.

Practical Steps to Emotional Freedom

Your practice, if you want to develop choice, facility, and ultimately, personal freedom and mastery over your own subjective experience, is the following:

Make a decision right now to take 100% responsibility for your subjective experience. Every bit of it. Your interpretations, your feelings, your emotions, your beliefs—accept that 100% of your subjective experience is generated by…you.

This will give you power and access to choice and freedom. It is also a spiritual and emotional truth with over 2600 years of testing, verification, and validation.  There are certainly things you will have to give up, self-righteousness and blame being to two big ones, but you have to decide if you want to be right, or be happy. If you want to be happy and free from the emotional matrix of self-generated misery…make the decision now.

Having made that decision, then:

1. Notice when you are agitated
2. Notice how you are characterizing the events [is it descriptive, scientific, or is it a judgment or characterization?]
3. Ask yourself what other possible interpretations there are [generate at least three alternative interpretations, making at least one fun] this will build in interpretive flexibility and assist you in taking on multiple perspectives–a critical faculty to build for your personal evolution
4. Ask yourself what you know—scientifically, descriptively—and what you are making up or imagining—and separate the two
5. Verify your interpretations directly with the party involved

In the unlikely event that your disempowering and/or negative interpretations are accurate, your work continues by being vigilant against the old habit patterns of the mind to then extrapolate out a generalized disempowering and/or possibly a “global” belief. I recommend conducting a sentence stem exercise to uncover some of your own beliefs—particularly the global or personally limiting beliefs. What are sentence stems and what are the guidelines for such an exercise?

I am glad you asked. Some examples of sentence stems are as follows:

• I am _________.
• People are _________.
• The world is _________.
• I will never _________.
• They always _________.
• Men [are] _________.
• Women [are] _________.

The guidelines for the exercise are to

1. Finish the sentence in writing as many times as possible within 90 or 120 second—that is, 1.5 or 2 minutes.
2. No less than 10 completions, no more than 20 is a useful range
3. All answers are acceptable; no filtering, no reframing, no changing of any answers
4. Let it flow—that is try to complete the exercise as much as possible without thinking about the answers.
5. If they start to get “strange” or unexpected, you are on the right track.
6. If they are all happy and shiny, redo the exercise focusing on the shadow side

What this exercise does is allows us to uncover beliefs from parts of ourselves we do not always allow to come through. Beliefs that are there are the time, and are running our lives; beliefs that may be limiting us, may be causing dis-ease and tension in our body, robbing us of possibility, connection, opportunity and prosperity, and ultimately health and well being. These beliefs, once we have scoured the world for enough “evidence” to support them become the glasses through which we view the world creating a clouded and disempowered experience-not to mention inherently inaccurate, at least in part. Begin to look for counter-examples. Notice your attachment to beliefs and how that only serves you short term, and stalls your personal evolution.

Once again, as always, awareness is the gateway. Awareness of your sensations, is the first entry point. Are you agitated? Do you feel a sinking feeling in your stomach? Is there tension in your chest? Etc. From there, what are the thoughts and interpretations leading to those sensations? Are the labels you are attaching to those sensations even accurate? To what degree? How accurate are your interpretations of the events? Once verified, then ask, what did I make it mean? And then ask yourself, “what else could it mean?”

The answers to that last question must be positive or empowering about yourself or about the world or about people. You get extra evolutionary bonus points if you do this even when you don’t have to—that is, when your anger is “justified” or your frustration is “understandable”.

Be vigilant against this pitfall. While it may feel good in the moment–and there is a short-term pseudo-self-esteem boost [that is, pre-rational, stage 1 ego reenforcement], it does not serve your evolution in the long-term to indulge in the place of justification for your “negative” emotional states.

Develop your awareness. Use the power of your mind to free yourself and to prosper. Prosper financially, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually.

“We do not respond to reality. We respond to our internal representation of reality.”—NLP Presupposition

“Mind precedes everything. All that you are is a result of what you have thought.”—Buddhist Principle

People of great wisdom and insight in both the East and West agree. Our emotional experience has little or nothing to do with external reality. Oh sure—there are plenty of people, events, situations, and injustices that are easy targets for blame. Bad things happen. And while, often people’s lives are the sum total of their choices, often bad things happen to good people through no action or fault of their own. And less dramatically, unpleasant and undeserved things may happen. Only a fool would dispute that.

Events occur. That we cannot change. What we do have tremendous choice over is our experience of those events.

And yet, take 5 people and have something negative happen to them and they will all react, respond, and characterize it differently—if even slightly. They will have five different emotional experiences.

What is the difference that makes the difference?

One of my favorite examples is when someone does not call when they said they would or we expect them to. Or perhaps they are late or a no-show to some meeting or appointment. When we finally hear from them, how often are they blamed for our negative emotional experience? We say things like, “you made me worry”, or “I was about to call the hospital,” or something of that nature. Perhaps we are relieved when we hear form them. Perhaps we are angry. Perhaps we are both in succession.

I love that—“you made me worry”. As if the person forced us to fantasize negative things. The responsible thing to say when we were upset by a lack of information is something like, “I was worried because I lacked facility with my interpretations.”

Whether we are conscious of them or not, all of our emotions are a result of our internal maps of reality or our internal representations.

How emotionally free are you? To answer that answer this question: how well do you accept or respond to unexpected events—and events that violate your expectations?

Here is a simple equation to ponder:

X + Y = E

Where X is the event, Y is your interpretation of the event, and E is the resulting emotion. We have little choice over events. We can interpret them any number of ways. And we usually do—however we usually do it in a negative and disempowering way. That would be bad enough, but we do not stop there, do we? No. We then generalize it out and create a belief about ourselves, people, the world, etc. spreading the madness allowing it to be come one of the filters through which we view the world. To make matters even worse, we do not sort events looking for how they are different than our belief; we look for evidence to buttress it so we feel validated and our small ego gets some satisfaction. Our belief then becomes a conviction. Gather enough “evidence” and it becomes simply the way the world is, or people are. That is, it becomes the truth.

Sadly, [for them] most people would rather be right than be accurate. That is, they come to conclusions and then sort for evidence that proves that they are “right” often ignoring evidence to the contrary—actually not even noticing it. Far better to look for how your belief may be inaccurate. Better still, to gather evidence and come to a conclusion after all the information is in. Even better still is to avoid creating global beliefs about anything and any one.

Anger and Stress are Immuno-Supressive

The person who is hurt the most by our lack of facility is our self. There is a greater and greater volume of research to validate the long-held understanding that negative emotions are a drain on your physical resources negatively impacting health and well being; that positive emotions are uplifting and create greater physical health and well being.

I recommend The Molecules of Emotion as a good start.

Practical Steps to Emotional Freedom…

Read the rest in Part 2 next week…

Part 2 is now available here.