One of the aspects of working on and in the context of personal evolution is that I am constantly in evolution in both senses of the word–”in it”, as in exploring the context and in the process of my own personal evolution as well–because you see, it is never over. Our evolution, which is really about allowing the greatest depths of ourselves to unfold and manifest in the world, is never over–because our depths are infinite. If who we are is a manifestation of the divine–an outpouring of Spirit, and the Kingdom of God is Within [and I believe it is] than there is no end to uncovering, clearing, and allowing that beauty to unfold in the world.

And I never ask my clients to do anything I have not done myself and am applying in my own life. Period. As such, this post is a little more personal for me to demonstrate that.

After my divorce, and the year long self-reflection that followed, I realized that for the most part, what consistently happened in my romantic relating was a zero-sum type of dynamic. That at the end of my relationship with a woman, she was tangibly more empowered, more comfortable with herself, more fully embodied, and proud of her womanhood.

Partly because it was my constant practice to be sure she felt loved, had per positive qualities acknowledged somehow on an actual daily basis [not the same ones, but what authentically struck me in the moment as I appreciated her at some point], that she not only had a daily reminder, with full connection and presence of my love for her [and what I loved about her and why] but that she blushed with my acknowledgments.

It was conscious. Intentional. And the relating really cost me dearly. I was psychically drained, more dis-empowered, and frankly, less of a man by the end. It was, in fact, a zero-sum game.

It was not the things I was doing that drained me. They were rewarding to just do it. It was the lack of any reciprocal expression, I think. And I other things they did that I lacked facility around.

The contrast had never been so great than after my divorce–and the dynamics never so clear as in that marriage.

Now, I never planned it that way, but once I noticed it after the divorce, I ended up having a zero-tolerance policy for romantic relating that was not about synergistic upward spirals where both people were winning–and the relating was winning too. A triple win game. Both parties were winning–AND the actual relating was winning too. It is healthier for me to just be alone and fully empowered McClain-Ness than to be in unfulfilling and relating that ultimately cost me energetically. Although it took me a while to adjust to that, and sadly there was one relationship in which she ended up being drained…but it is all a process–and sometimes that is about the pendulum swinging the other way before it swings back the middle to finally rest upon the golden mean.

But back to zero-sum…

Let’s face it–people who have little or no self-respect choose bad and even abusive relationships over being alone. Me? I would rather wake up alone, be in the company of just myself, than be in an unhealthy or un-fulfilling relationship. And I never have [and never will] just go from one relationship to another. Takes at least 6 months or so for self-reflection and the integration of the learnings before we can be responsible with another’s heart, But that is all romantic…

Six years later, I am just now getting to really make sure that is generalized into all relating–not just romantic.

This is all part of how I have been consciously going through ALL of my friendships, free of sentimentality or attachment, and shrewdly examining if they are rich, dynamic, healthy, and fulfilling–or if they are just habits. And then explicitly ending the friendship or deepening and continuing the friendship with more connection, engagement, and intentionality. Regardless of how much I love the individual I am in the friendship with I may be ending. The relating must also be fulfilling. and one of the most important things for me that has the relating fulfilling is emotional engagement…rather than fear and detachment. But real engagement–yet also free of identification or enmeshment.

SOMETIMES that means me making decisions for other people when their relating with me is not serving THEM. I used to refuse to do so, thinking I was availing them of the growth opportunity to declare boundaries, make those choices themselves, develop confidence in communicating their needs, etc. But given that most people are deficient in true esteem for the self, and self-respect [part of which is demonstrated by drawing boundaries] is one of the core components of esteem for the self [along with self-efficacy] but I stopped doing that. I am now quite comfortable making choices for others when they continually demonstrate they incompetent to do for themselves–so long as it is about relating with me.

That is quite enough of the why and the what. But what about the “how” Jason?

It is all about values and forms.

One of the exercises I have clients do in Phase 2 of the Personal Evolution program [and occasionally in the professional evolution program as well] is a full life, all context examination of what is important to them [values] and how they would know if it were being experienced by them; what would they be seeing, feeling hearing, doing, and experiencing that would prover to them they were experiencing value X, Y, or Z? Conflict often happens in the form [which is why politicians are scant on policy papers before the election]. Values [freedom, security, justice] are things that everyone can agree on–we all want that. The HOW of carrying them out? Conflict arises sure as the sun also rises.

So in seeking friendships or romantic relating, it is not enough to express that “communication” is important to us. For some that will mean asking about your day. For others that will mean that if you are bothered by something, no matter how small, you share your internal process. Communication is the value, but the form is different.

Anytime we are upset, barring an unresolved event from the past or a pervasive self-esteem issue, we must look to values. So this becomes a tool for elegant communication to have your needs expressed [and met] as well. One that avoids conflict or having the other person be wrong. One that has intimacy and a deeper level of understanding arise.

But that is a story for another time.

For now, do this:

Take 3 major contexts in your life [romantic, career, community] as ask your self what is important to you in those contexts. You will know it is a “value” if it is conceptual, abstract. If you can put it in a wheelbarrow or touch it or smell it, it is NOT a value, but a form. To “chunk up” higher to the value, ask, “what’s important to me about that?” If you are looking at forms, then it MUST be able to be put in a wheelbarrow–measured, touched, observed. If it can not, and it is an abstract value, then you can “chunk down” to the form by asking, “If I were experiencing _______ how would I know? What would I be seeing, feeling, hearing? What would my evidence be?”

I recommend 3 to 5 values in each context. And for each value, 3 forms or pieces of tangible evidence of that value being realized in the context.

The truth is that if you do this exercise, you might be terribly confronted by the relationship or the career you are in–or you will be relieved to have a conscious and explicit answer as to why you are not fulfilled–or you are drained, or their is conflict you can not understand.

If you are not in one of those context currently [you are single, or you are laid off, or looking for a gig] then this becomes a wonderful tool to overlay onto the person or organization. So you can consciously choose a relationship or organization that truly and consciously suits your values. Otherwise, the spiritual costs are immeasurable. No matter how great the compensation package, or how much chemistry, the spiritual costs of un-fulfilling contexts [where your values are not fulfilled] are immeasurable.

At the same time, be cautious that you are assessing others *through time*. If you only have a snap shot of them, and you are saying they do not suit you personally or professionally, you may be more living out a stage 1, low self-esteem ego game by being right and “justified” than by actually seeing a conflict of values, but that is also another story for another time.

Choose the conscious, fulfilling path. I beg of you, for you and for your Spiritual expression. while this may seem liek a lot of work, it is even more of a burden–and more insidiously so–to be in unfulfilling contexts.

So, ask yourself ::: are you in a habit, or in a relationship?

Communication, Uncategorized, emotions, inter-personal dynamics, intra-personal dynamics, organizing principles, relationships, self-esteem detachment, emotional freedom, facility with self, identification, organizing principles, self-esteem

One of the CLC3 Apprentices recently asked me a very important question.

He asked about the problem of becoming attached to the outcomes of the client–in other words, “what happens if they do not achieve them? What happens if they do not hold up their end of the bargain [doing homework, reading, etc.], and what does that mean about us? How do I avoid this problem—and the discomfort of it all”.

“And what happens if–even worse, they have already paid in advance in full and it becomes clear they are not keeping up with the milestones that are necessary as sign-posts on the way to their destination we call ‘goals’ or ‘outcomes’? What do we do?”

This is an important question and it has a several-part answer. It is important because it comes up for most coaches and practitioners; at some point you really, really want XYZ for the client. Yes, they must be outcomes the client wants [not outcomes you see they "need" but they do not resonate with] but even still, with their outcomes we get emotionally engaged–we care–and we want them to have XYZ really badly.

Part of the challenge is that we are not responsible for the lives of our clients–we can’t be. They would get less out of the process if we were; at best, we would actually be inhibiting their growth if we take on that responsibility. They might blame us; they would take less responsibility for creating the life they want and deserve. It could become the coaches “fault” or for some, the coaching [or whatever you call the process] will be just another thing that did not work for them, etc.

And we created that with our attachment.

So the first part of the answer is to make clear to the client–practically–that they are not responsible for their life; that they are. How do we do this? We write it directly into the client-coach agreement that they “are responsible for the results of their life, business, relationship”, etc. And given how some people can be when they are making large life-altering decisions, we review the agreement and then we further clarify and have them initial each paragraph while reviewing it with them to make sure we have done our due diligence as a practitioner in making sure they understand the nature of the relationship is one of trusted adviser–nothing more—and that they understand the agreement in full.

That is the practical aspect.

What about the interpersonal aspect? The actual coaching dynamic? Because you see, to complicate matters if you seem attached [that is you start become emotionally attached to their outcomes, you may engage them in a way that has them polarize, dig in, and resist you--and they start to resist you in ways that will not serve the process overall.

Or worse...

Or worse--they do not do their "homework"--whatever that may be or represent--and they are scared to tell you. In the worse cases they may simply go missing in action. Or they become dishonest.

This is simply another reason I am not a "coach" I am a "Guide" and that approach is something I am careful to embody in every interaction--they do not do their "homework" I communicate to them--with a compassionate smile and a shrug--that I want them to get their outcomes. That I care; and I may even ask them how they best want to be supported. How they want to be held accountable--and I have them design the dynamic.

I have found this softer approach--with nothing for them to resist or push back against--is far more effective than any hard-nosed techniques by far.

Finally [and at times most importantly] is our own development as we, as practitioners, continue our path: who we are is not the results we assist clients in achieving [both positive, amazing over-the-top goals as well as “failures”. Who we are is not that.

Those are the results we assist them in producing, to be sure, and we are professionally responsible for that, but who we are is that which is experiencing it all. Who we are is that Witness; that locus of awareness. And as we come from that place, we will be even more effective, they will feel more freedom to expand and grow within that gentle, ever-present embrace. From that place, where universal beauty unfolds, we are reminded why we do what we do–for that expansion. And within that expansion a better, more joyous, more beautiful world awaits us all.

Coaching Resources, coaching practice tips, inter-personal dynamics, spirituality

Over at the Ultimate Self Blog,  Liliane Rausch muses about unconditional love and asks:

Correct me if I am wrong, but we all want to be loved unconditionally. According to Maslow, our primary needs in life are food, shelter and safety and I agree, but how about adding unconditional love to that list? Isn’t it the best thing in the world to be accepted for whom U are, even when that special person in your life finds out all of our not-so-very-nice-and-cute habits?

And ends with this query:

When and how does unconditional love and friendship become conditional?

I think both questions are worth exploring. For me, the answer to the first is pretty straight forward: unconditional love is a kind of emotional safety. It provides food and shelter for our hearts, in a way. That safety is something we can relax into, and then expand into. Something that allows us to unfold–and assists us in exposing more of our Divine Self [or Ultimate Self, if you prefer].

And yes, Maslow seemed to be missing that one.

Sadly, though, it takes an advanced stage of egoic development for all love to not be transactional or conditional. For most, if they do XYZ, we stop loving them–until we reach an integral [or beyond] stage of egoic emotional development, where we can separate the door from the heart–if they abuse you, or simply do something you can not tolerate, you may leave out of self respect, but you can still love them unconditionally. That is an advanced stage of development.

So I would turn the question on its head: under what conditions can love become unconditional? How do we develop ourselves such that a stage of loving is possible where it is not tied to performance, mood, or goods. And once that is answered, how do we accelerate the process for ourselves and others–in service of creating a better world?

That is the place we should all strive to get to [and deepen to].

ego, emotions, inter-personal dynamics, self-esteem ego, emotions, inter-personal dynamics, love

Read this sentence to yourself in your mind or out loud:
“My life is the sum total of my own choices; the state of my business is the sum total of my choices”.

As you read that and re-read that, what is your experience? Do you feel excitement? Pride? Shame? Do you sense a burden on your shoulders? What does it weigh in your mind? Do you quickly move to insist it is not your “fault”. That it was out of your control?

Or do you experience a comforting and/or challenging level of acceptance. A “yup” with a quiet nod of your head?

One thing is for certain-your relationship to that sentence is a good indicator of your level of self-esteem, or your level of healthy egoic development in the positive sense. You see, it is not the big ego that needs defending or asserting in the world; it is the small ego. It is not the big ego that is arrogant, self-righteous, or deflects responsibility and blames others; it is the small, pre-rational, pre-conventional, vengeful, ego-centric ego.

It is a challenging re-frame for most to get their minds around. But just ask yourself this: what kind of ego could achieve a non-dual sense of reality; what kind of ego could be one with all things, moment to moment? A big, huge ego. An ego so large it can be a yes to whatever is arising moment to moment and relate to it, be a part of it. That takes an expanded sense of self. Yet that ego is also diffuse. It is large, but it is flexible. It lacks rigidity. It does not need defending or asserting; it understands its power. As a result, there is nothing to prove to anyone-not even itself.

“Ego” has fallen on such hard times, particularly in the West for precisely the same reasons that are implicit above: most people seldom develop beyond stage 1 or 1.5 with their own ego, and since that stage of egoic development gets all the press, as it is loudest and most offensive to the senses, and most people are intuitively [and rightfully so] hesitant to talk about stages, as sadly most people use it to imply superiority in the context of worth, we engage in false reductionism  and label all “ego” as bad.  In that moment we engage as well in a bit of self-hatred [we must] and create internal dissonance [again, necessitated by our thinking] and yet, if ego is the very seat of our consciousness, there is no way to “annihilate” or “transcend ” our ego. To attempt to do so is tantamount to philosophical suicide.

And there is insurmountable evidence proven by plenty of studies, from Dr Graves to Kolberg to Gilligan that these waves of unfolding are bigger in terms of how much they can contain and the number and breadth of what they can relate to; from ego-centric to ethno-centric to world-centric.

So, we can not truly or actually transcend it or annihilate it. However, we can evolve it.

So…what about stage 2? Stage 2 is not the vengeful ego, but an egoic consciousness focused on Justice. And stage 3 would be focused (or have a center of gravity around) or be Grace-centric and world centric. It is also often quietest–yet energetically “largest” or “Brightest”. Think of the force of the ego of Mother Theresa. Imagine her penetrating eyes. The light she must have been in the room. Meek only in the traditional quiet voice sense, but radical Spirit manifest; hardly meek in the egoic sense.

And if we consider that, sweeping aside our preconceived notions about what the word ego usually means in our popular culture, and we begin to get a grasp onto that very upward spiral we all inherently must climb as we ascend or deepen in our own developmental paths, we see the truth.

At this point you may be asking what the heck this has to do with being in business for yourself?!

Let’s look at self-esteem.

We use Dr Nathaniel Branden’s definitions that self esteem has two equal and necessary parts or components: knowledge of your efficacy [knowing you are competent and effective enough to handle what life throws at you] and your self-respect, or the feeling that you deserve to be here and have a good life; that you are “appropriate to life”. We could think of these two components as: your value (in the marketplace) and your worth (your divinity); your negotiated worth and your unquestionable worth; that which can be developed and improved and marketed and that which is unquestionably priceless. Your guilt [the feeling that we did a thing that was in violation of our own value set as Mr Mark Michael Lewis states] and our nervous system is more activated to be sure we do not do it again] and our Shame [the extra move of then judging ourselves as worthless or "bad" at our core as a result.

You must begin to understand that most have their value and their worth collapsed. This is why we engage in shame: we confuse our efficacy with our worth; our finances with who we are at our core; our social reputation with our divine nature. But your self-worth is a settled matter-no matter how much you attempt to outsource it to others and give them the apparent right to pass judgment on you and determine your "worth". At the end of the day, you have to agree or disagree with them to feel into their judgments.

No one can truly impact your self-esteem positively or negatively without you first giving them permission. Period.

Otherwise, we would call it "other esteem". Heh.

I have yet to find someone going into business for themselves for the first time who did not suffer unnecessarily from questions of worth, self-doubt, and/or inquiring "who are they to X, Y, Z.".

Who are you not to? Who are you to keep your gifts from the world? To make that global choice? That is the chilling question.

But on a more practical level, your self-esteem, or your level of egoic development in the healthy sense, will determine how quickly you rebound from negative and unexpected results. It will determine how well you are paid in relationship to how much value you offer others in their lives-and how easily you ask for what you are owed. It will determine how quickly you adjust and adapt to current fluctuating market conditions. It will determine how easily you accept and incorporate feedback. It will determine how easily you can admit errors and move on...

All necessary attributes for a thriving solo-preneur. All necessary attributes for you to thrive in a freer market economy. All questions ignored, stepped over, or only [if forced to] embarrassingly addressed by most courses in small business or even in courses like our CLC. Questions that in the Coaching the Life Coach program we spend an entire module on-and we do it first. Until these errors in thinking, as well as flashpoints in our past are addressed and resolved to a certain degree, teaching you how to build a business will only increase your anxiety and create internal dissonance.

And that would be…well…unkind.

Action steps:

Make a decision today to ask yourself these two questions any time you get results that are unpleasant or unwanted, and could be blamed on another external force, albeit the government, the market at large, your target market, or even God/dess Almighty her/himself:

1.    How am I responsible?
2.    What can I learn [that is positive or empowering; what structures can I put in place to resolve it?]

The first question may be hard to swallow. Good.  You will need to expand your sense of who you are to answer it honestly and usefully. And remember: responsibility does NOT equal fault or blame. Those are separate matters. Take this practice on and you will begin to evolve your ego.

Why?

Because to be able to step into a world-centric life or spiritual purpose, developing an ego that is large enough to take that on without internal questions of doubt and worth is essential for your happiness and your internal harmony. Both things which, even while stretching and challenging you, I hope these writings will increase.

In Service,

Jason D. McClain

21st Century Marketplace, Purpose, ego, intra-personal dynamics, self-esteem, spirituality

Who or What do You Worship?

The purpose of this writing is to lay out different “gods” or objects of worship as an outgrowth and/or expression of the mimetic stage [meme codes within values spheres] of individuals and groups using a rough sketch of the Spiral Dynamics model.

Be forewarned ::: this is serious personal evolution geek stuff.

I am also going to make the unusual move of saying the very premise of what I am about to lay out is inaccurate. That’s right. I am beginning by saying I am wrong in my assertion that there is an individual relationship between mimetic stage and what one “worships”. Why? Because we experience / interpret through and emotionally react from our stage of development—and an individual can therefore have an experience of a particular spirituality or spiritual expression that is the same religion and same “god” as another at a radically different stage and therefore experience it differently. However, I have noticed cultural clumps that gives us enough evidence to make these generalizations below for the purpose of engaging in this thought experiment.

To understand some of what I will say in this writing, one must have an at least basic grasp of the Spiral Dynamics model. There are two summaries attached for your downloading HERE and HERE. Source ::: LINK . Review those before reading further.

My favorite way of representing Spiral Dynamics comes from Dr. Claire Graves himself: The memes are “degrees of activation of the nervous system”. These are not types of people but rather ways of thinking that are holarchically emergent within people. Having established all of the above as our foundation…

The status of the world today is precarious.

All we need to do is turn on the television or spend a day reading the New York Times, WaPo, The Wall Street Journal, Instapundit, or google news, to see some article about humans attempting to force their value system—often expressed through religiosity—onto others.

Whether you are a Israeli having to worry about your existential existence while others in the name of Allah want to push you to the sea, or a secular humanist fearful of the Christian Right in America and some Nation States in Europe, or you are a secular Jew shaking your head at the expansion of settlements deeper into “Palestine”…or you were a New York Resident who watched the twin towers fall you are probably–to varying degrees—aware of and worried about religious fundamentalism and its perilous impact on the global web of life.

But there are other forms that are not as obvious and are more popularly accepted and advocated in today’s media and the latest social mimetic in vogue.

Regardless of which belief system you call your own, the dangers of religious fundamentalism are undeniable.  In all likelihood, you just think it is the fundamentalism of the Other that is dangerous. But what of your own? You may or may not worship a traditional god, but there is a 98% chance you worship something—and have your own attachment and identification to it.

Who or what do you worship? It may not be a god, a goddess, or a Great Spirit but it is something. Is it success, achievement, or the all-mighty dollar? Is it Gaia, Mother Earth, the biosphere? Is it the Nation State, government, or the democratic process?

What do you surrender your mind to? What are you an activist for? Put your worship into? Become irrational over or about? Deny evidence to the contrary for/of?

Once someone says anything is a settled matter—and are closed to debate or dialogue—and go so far as to say that those who do not agree should be tried and hanged, that, my friends, is religious fundamentalism regardless of the form of the deity. In fact, here is an organization advocating Nuremburg-Style Trials for Global Warming Skeptics. Lovely. Lovely example of fundamentalism, that is. Gaia as God/dess.  Apparently we are going back to burning people at the stake for being heretics. Only the deity has changed.

Now that I have your attention, the rest of this piece will be a geek-out session of personal evolution and the emergent in spiral dynamics coupled with cultural clumps and the waves a particular god/dess or “deity” is most inclined towards.

Purple or “magic/mythic” will worship nature and the spirits in nature. The trees talk to Purple. So does the wind. They may worship the great Spirit or the Directions and their elements. Red worships power, respect, might, and most notably, blows things up in the name of Allah. Their “gods” may be the gang, the dictator, the Authoritarian State and so on. Blue/Conventional is likely to worship a Christian/Judeo god in a fundamentalist way—taking the bible or the Torah literally. Orange will worship the all-mighty dollar, success, status, and achievement, and/or hard science. Green will worship Gaia or Community or Multiculturalism and “Diversity” with great fervor and no regard for real-world results.

And thus ends Tier 1, where the “Momentous Leap”, as Dr Claire Graves called it, emerges and occurs. At Yellow, or Integral—the first stage in Tier 2, there is little or no “worship”, but rather an appreciation of all forms of worship and all metaphors [yes I said it] for the highest form of consciousness; what some refer to as “God” or Goddess”.

Having said all that, it is possible for someone to rise through these emergent stages in one of any of the religions or forms of worship listed above—but the way they interpret it moves from maniacal and fervent to literal to obedient to questioning to rejecting to appreciating it for its metaphorical value–yet having choice around it. And as one rises through those waves, stages, or levels of development in relationship to it, its grasp and its “Truth-ness” becomes less and less rigid and less and less fundamentalist and therefore less and less violent both physically and metaphorically.

We hold our beliefs less rigidly and in relationship with them, our beliefs do not hold onto us quite so rigidly either. They lose their grip on us.

So…who—or what—do you worship?  Each memetic stage in the evolution of values [another way of thinking about and representing SD] has its own fixation and spiritual expression. Is it God? Jehovah? Allah? Is it the Market? is it Gaia? Is it Community or the State?

Consider this ::: your view, while accurate and valid, is incomplete. It is partial. It must be. They all are. I look forward to a day when we can all truly appreciate the value and beauty in all beliefs while creating a stable and sustainable dialogue between all of them as we transcend our fundamentalism in all forms and create an Integral and integrated world.

Beliefs, intra-personal dynamics, spirituality integral, integral religion, personal evolution, spiral dynamics, spirituality, wilber

Many people have read this piece and encouraged me to post it publicly. So, by popular demand…

It is an email I posted to a client near the end of their completion of the Personal Evolution Program, and in it I address a need for approval, ego development, the purpose and motivation for personal evolution…and the distinction between self-worth and value, and more…

Your self-worth is a settled matter if you will accept it as such.

Enjoy.

======++++++++=====+++++++

Now back to you.

I was thinking about the approval thing. But first–you have come a long way. So stop, take a deep breath, turn around towards the sunset and enjoy the vista. You deserve it.

“The mountain we climb in Personal Evolution is a bit like a mirage while hiking/climbing a mountain. You could stop now and camp for the night–or say, “forget this”, it and go back down the mountainside. Buuuuutt, you can also see there is a reachable summit. So you choose to go further–yet…when you reach what you thought would be the summit, there is yet another summit that materializes out of the mist. And this goes on forever. There is no omega point except when you choose to simply stop and rest.

Each of us have that choice every day. For some, we still consciously choose to continue to deepen our depths–and plumb just behind them. There is no end or bottom to the depth, there are only unplumbed depths. For others, they have achieved a high enough peak, that there is no motivation–no real life reason–to climb the next.  And there are others I will not list in the interests of time. I choose–consciously–to evolve further when I should or must–that is when my business or financial or relational results are inhibited by some aspect of myself. Otherwise, I am pretty darned content with where I am at-BUT I still need to have constant attention on where I need to be for others in the context in which I want to move with greater velocity–or frankly, sometimes, ANY velocity.

I urge you to make the same or a similar real world criteria as you become more and more comfortable with you you are…and as you come to full acceptance of yourself, there is a pitfall of not caring what others think–and disregarding their feedback. Care what others think in practical terms–and care deeply–as it fosters results. Do not care about their opinions and judgments of you on a personal level. That is–think about the practical results and adjust, but know that as an internally validated man, the matter of your self-worth is settled. The question of the value you bring to people and the world in this context or that context, well, that is never settled as it depends on too many variables [each individuals expectations and sensibilities, your skill and competence in the domain, your sensitivities/awareness when adjustments are needed, market forces, etc.]. But that is a separate practical matter.

The personal: your self-worth, is a settled matter. It is…well, pick your preference/metaphor: it is good. It is priceless. It is worth-full. It is Spirit manifest. It is divine.

As for the seeking of approval-that is obviously pretending as if your worth could be determined externally. It can not. Whether you realize it yet or not, you still have to accept the opinion of others–good, bad, right, wrong–to have their opinions matter. In other words, you have the ultimate choice still–even if you are not exercising it to as full a degree as you will enjoy in the future.

But why even do this work? What does it make possible? Why spend the time, energy, and the–at times–grueling work of dis-identification, detachment, and internalizing validity when you notice it as external? Why forgo the feel good and the short term false ego pump of compliments?

In a word: Freedom.

Freedom from what? Freedom from the ebbs and flows of the opinions and judgments of others. Why is this important? So you can gather feedback, without the moral and emotional cloud of personal meaning. Here is the challenge with tying your valuation to another’s opinions: you are not only cast about from one end to the other, AND the problem with that is that people react from and interpret through their stage of egoic, emotional, and values meme stage of development. There will be patterns and probabilities, and all feedback is valid for them, but there is only so much contorting you can engage in, and stay sane and centered, and more importantly, live authentically–true to yourself.

Additionally, believe me, as someone who has had people tell me I am a god [literally] on more than one occasion and at times, had people tell me I was an a**hole and the devil’s spawn [literally] I came to realize that no matter what they say, the truth is somewhere in the middle, and their acknowledgments and their judgments are worth only one thing: getting specifics around those experiences [I did X Y and Z in A context and they felt B emotion as a result] for the purpose of adjusting my behavior for improved results.

Their characterizations are worthless except as crude pointers to their stage of development because, again, we interpret through and react and respond from our stage of development

And even then, I have to gauge how valuable it is — determined solely by how large a percentage of people are at that stage and would react/interpret the same way. All feedback is valid–and everyone’s emotional experience is valid as it is and to be left untouched unless requested otherwise. However, not all feedback is valuable.

Now, what I can not say is where the line is between the idea that they are responsible for their own emotional experience–and you are not–and where you are responsible for your impact on others and the results you garner. That is a line I have yet to determine for myself after nearly a decade of inquiry. I do know that I tend to move more and more towards having room for the emotional reactions I create in others-sometimes by simply walking through the room, or making a benign comment about my schedule, or not noticing someone in a room I am in–having space for that and having them feel valid without my trying to adjust their experience is a skill I am still developing and only in the last year and a half feel fully competent at. And I get it right about 65% of the time.

Circling back–the thing to remember is that you are already determining your own worth, by agreeing or disagreeing with those who assess you as good/bad or some variation. You still have to buy into their perspective. And since you are the ultimate decider, decide now, that irrespective of the value assessments they are making and the validity of the feedback, the matter of your self-worth is settled.

We were told a lie as children–something about original sin. It is more accurate to say we were born with universal innocence. And imagine, the preciousness and the innocence of a blameless child. At your core…that is you irrespective of any behaviors that are not aligned–YOU, at your core, are precious and pure, and have a hologram of divinity that you are reflecting and projecting.

To think otherwise is an error–a mistake–and nothing more.

In Service and in Evolution,

Jason

ego, emotions, inter-personal dynamics, self-esteem client advice, ego, emotions, self-esteem

Part 1 from last week is HERE. Go there to read it for the fist time or to refresh your memory before reading part 2.

Live a Life of Service

There are two components to getting paid what you are worth.

• A foundation of service and contribution
• Skill with creating more accurate and more effective value perceptions

Make a Choice Today–if you have not already done so–to live a life dedicated to assisting others. To be of service. To be an agent in overt operations designed to assit others in reaching their pinnacle–or at least the next plateau and vista. This is the foundation you must come from to act ethically with tools of influence—and to be justified in greater latitude in the type of influence you use.

Why is this important?

It is important for two very different, yet deeply related reasons:

1. Coming from a place of service–only serving another’s need and goals–your communication dynamics will be cleaner. You will not be trying to get what you want–from or for–the client; you will be assisting the client in reaching the higher fruits they find appealing. You are in partnership. There is no call for conflict. This and one other organizing principle I operate by as a practitioner has yielded me only 1 hostile client situation in a pool of 200 clients over a span of nearly 5 years.
2. If you are truly being of service to another achieving what they want–and it is an outcome or goal that does no harm to any living thing, it then becomes your duty–yes, duty–to leverage them beyond their limitations. What that means to you is that your grounding of service, coupled with the permission you receive, or context implicitly set by walking into your office is the gateway to free reign with tools of influence. If what your desire creeps in, or more subtly, you desire for them to set a goal or an outcome that you think they should want or that you see as possible for them, you have lost your footing and your just cause—unless you enroll them in that and gain their permission to influence them towards that end.

You must be genuinely coming from assisting them in creating the life they want. You must not appear attached–and hopefully you do the intra-personal work to actually BE unattached. Otherwise you will seem desperate. And in romance, politics, and in business, desperation is not an aphrodisiac. Either way, consider your service to them as your organizing principle: how would your behaviors show up? How far would you go to inspire or help them? Would you care about them? To what degree? How would you relate to their opinion or their experience of you? Your approach should be determined by what serves them as an individual. Some need loving care and safety. Some need a kick in the tush. I can call upon any style that serves them–and I encourage you to take that on as well.

Whatever the truth of your situation and concerns, you must act as if you do not need them to sign anything. The best way to do that is to put your concerns out of your head, and focus on theirs and theirs alone for at least the time you are together. Your concerns for your own life are simply irrelevant for that hour. Pretend to set them down next to the door right after you hang your coat up, or boot your computer, or whatever ritual you conduct in your office when you walk in.

They are not in service of you and your needs. They are not lucky to have you. You are lucky and honored to be in their service. Act that way. The referrals will pour in. You are in service of them living the life they dream of. Continue to help people attain what they envision for themselves, and you will eventually have everything you could want.

You will be far more spiritually fulfilled. If your life and your business is about helping others–that is your livelihood is sourced in assisting others in realizing and attaining a higher level of excellence in any context in their lives–you can not help but be fulfilled.

How does one shift away from a subject-object orientation to an orientation of service in support of another’s vision? A relational orientation. The organizing principle and the effective method is simple: you are not trading time for money–you are not really selling a service. What you are selling the prospective client is their vision for how their life could and will be.

If they achieved their stated desired results working with you, How would their life be different? what would that be worth?

Of course, when you ask the question of them, you may want to say “will have achieved” not “if”.

I wish I did not have to stress this, but you also want to be sure before you go any further that your service will, with an overwhelming percentage of certainty, give them what they need to achieve their outcomes.

It is probably priceless. That is certainly the answer I receive more than any other–so valuable to their life It is certainly worth more than your fees. In fact, your fees are insignificant compared to what any client would say the experiencing of achieving ABC or resolving XYZ would be worth to them.

You can ask further:

• How would their relationship with their spouse or significant other be positively impacted
• How would they feel about their life and themselves?
• What would that make possible [or] what would arise in their life as a result of these changes?

These are not rhetorical questions. You must openly guide them to answer explicitly–several times–to get clear on why they would purchase your product or service. That is the value perception you would ask them to consider while reviewing any agreement. I do so openly as I hand them the agreement. After they answer the questions, I hand them the agreement saying:

“That is the value you are considering this agreement against–the context you are to hold as you review it.”

That is why I maintain rigorous integrity to my policy of not discussing rates or fees before the exploratory session. Until they know what they want [of prospective clients do not know what they want they do not r for services before we meet. If I tell them a number--whether it is $30 or $300 dollars it means nothing. I do not know what they want in full yet--and neither do they until they meet and I ask extensive questions--they do not really know what I do as I have not explained it yet. And last I heard there was no "going rate" for an Evolutionary Guide except the one I am currently charging. They certainly have not considered what the services would make possible and what that is worth. I have only ever had one client in nearly 200 clients that has considered it fully before I inquire specifically.

Not only do the numbers mean nothing at early stages of the process--worse, they are comparing it, in their mind, to commodities they could buy with that amount of money. Are they "worth" the same? Of course not. You can not get more love in your life and connectedness and intimacy by paying a car lease, or buying groceries, or a new suit. You can not improve your embodiment of your spirituality by buying a second house.

Yet that is what we encourage them to do by telling them a number up front. They are looking at how many groceries or car payments your fees compare to.

The outcome is inevitable. They start to price shop. And you have assisted them in misunderstanding the true value of your services. You have done them a disservice.

If you truly want to be of service to them in improving their lives, it is irresponsible of you to discuss money or rates before you meet, AND before the appropriate time during that meeting; near the end of that exploratory session. After they have met you, after you have inquired about their desires and outcomes in full. After you have then explained what your approach is--and how it can assist them in getting what they want. You should not selling in your presentation--you are just demonstrating competence and establishing unimpeachable credibility. And finally, after you have addressed any questions they have about the process or your offering, but before they see the agreement and your rates.

And really, the be of service, money should be the last thing you or they are concerned about. It should certainly not be your primary focus.

It is this approach that has me with a consistently full business of one-on-one clients [over 20 a week] and a 98% success rate of converting prospects to clients for 5 years running.

As you look at the above stats, know that I do not re-new clients. We complete at the end of 6 months. I am talking about constant new client acquisition.

With the one-one-one clients it is my general policy to only renew them under special circumstances. I am not just renewing them automatically–and do a full inquiry into the purpose behind doing so. That means I go through this process at least 3 or 4 times a month with a virtual stranger. It works. And I want you to be able to have that kind of confidence in your results–and to turn your practice into a business so that you can live a financially prosperous life as a result of your spiritual principles and living a purpose filled life. Rather than in spite of or in conflict with your spiritual life.

In nearly 5 years of being in this business full time, I have never once had this backfire on me–no one has ever declined to meet me for an exploratory as a result of this policy. I have twice had people in which were not financially qualified, but they were not financially qualified for anyone. And that is the risk I am willing to take for the benefits of this approach.

So HOW do you use this organizing principle?

• Have a firm and unshakable resolve to not discuss your rates. Put it in your FAQ and declare it to the world on your web site. Then, keep your word about it. [check your local laws and regulations if you are a licensed therapist]
• Discuss rates only at the appropriate time–after they say what it would make possible in their life, and right before they are handed the agreement
• Use these formulations to ask that question:
  • “If you had XYZ, what would that possible in your life?
  • “Once we achieve all of that together in this program, what would that open up for you in
    • Your relationships
    • Your emotional life
    • Your professional life?

Follow up with this question several times: What else would it make possible?

Get three or 4 out. Unless they go to something universal and spiritual that brings tears to their eyes–in which case, stop right there, it will not get any better than that. Also–be transparent. I usually add, “and that is the context you hold, and the value you are weighing this agreement against”. Sometimes I am even so transparent as to say, “Ok, time for me to do ask a silly sales question–because it is my duty to leverage you beyond the limitations you came here to resolve…that experience it makes possible? What is that worth to you if you could put a price on it?”

The more you hear the mind-blowing answers people give, the less you are fearful about raising your rates for new clients–and finally getting paid what you are worth; getting paid more in alignment with the differences you are making in their lives.

Of course, this is one small component of the larger structures you will need to have in place to become more effective at new client acquisition, but it is an important one. I look forward to sharing more with you and being your Guide as you turn your practice into a business in the 21st Century Marketplace.

21st Century Marketplace, Coaching Resources, Communication, Evolutionary Sales, Purpose, coaching practice tips, organizing principles, sales and marketing tips coaching practice tips, communication skills, Purpose, sales

One of the challenges I see so many coaches and solopreneurs struggle with is what they should charge for their services. Most do not know what they should charge. Many charge what they think they can get. Some charge whatever the next coach or practitioner charges. That is–”the going rate”. Many charge what they would be willing to pay themselves. Most charge less than they are worth–while improving the lives of others dramatically.

But why? And what are the solutions to this travesty of value? Read more…

21st Century Marketplace, Coaching Resources, Communication, Evolutionary Sales, Purpose, Uncategorized, coaching practice tips, featured, inter-personal dynamics, organizing principles, sales and marketing tips, spirituality marketing tips, practice tips, Purpose, sales tips, value perception

 

 Jason's Personal Story [19:40m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (496)

21st Century Marketplace, Beliefs, Listener Questions, Purpose, audio, organizing principles nlp, Purpose

We have already covered errors in philosophical grounding, lack of skill, and a failure of implementing a sustainable structure for your business–and for the scope of your clients’ needs.

What is next?

More nuts and bolts rather than philosophical grounding or mindset:

Mistake: Having only 1 stream of prospects

Most coaches and solo-preneurs rely on word of mouth. Word of mouth is critical. In the 21st Century marketplace there are hyper-empowered and talkative people. This is good for you. However, it is not enough. Make a decision now to take control–to be the locus of responsibility–for the success of your business. While word of mouth is critical, it is only one of at least three prospect streams the successful solo-preneur must establish for themselves. What are those three?

Solution:

• Formalized referral systems [two of them]
• Speaking engagements and free evening talks
• Word of mouth

The two formalized referral systems?

• An affiliate program with a percentage or fee for referrals
• Write a referral clause into your client contract–requiring two if the client is happy with your services. While you do not want to be heavy handed about this, it does set their intention and focus their awareness on a more formal approach to referrals

The evening talks?

• Make it explicit in your marketing AND in your introductory remarks that you are there for two reasons:
  • to provide value to their lives–first and foremost
  • to expose people to and offer an introduction to your services

Word of mouth?

• Consider this a great backup and occasional unexpected icing on the cake when those unintentional or random referrals occur. And occur they will.

If you do this, and you consider them in this order of importance, you will always be in control of your flow of clients and prospects–and they will flow in. Your sustainable prosperity will follow.

Mistake: Failure to leverage contact points and the opportunity they hold

Solution: many

• Consider any contact point you have with a prospect [be it an initial session, an email, or a phone call] an opportunity for you to leverage them beyond their current limitations emotionally or mentally–an opportunity for your to expand their world. An opportunity for you to be of service.
• Do not give “free initial coaching sessions”
  • Many coaches and many prospects think it is beneficial to give away services or to experience the practitioner directly. I have never found this to be effective in a prosperous business. If you want to turn your practice into a business then offer a complimentary exploratory session–and consider it an information gathering session for you and a sales presentation for the prospect. Let them get a sense of you, but do not give them free coaching. You are not part of a buffet. You want them to commit to a more fulfilling experience. A full 3 course meal. Be sure to show them the menu and explain the dishes and presentation–be sure to demonstrate your competence, but be careful you are making sure your contact point is leveraged to its full potential–for their sake in finally having a better life–and for yours in creating a sustainable and prosperous business.
  • Have them make a decision one way or the other in that exploratory session. If you let them “think about it” then they will get less and less clear on what you presented, and therefore less and less clear on what it will make possible in their lives and their fear and limitations kick in. The very habit patters of the mind that they are coming to you to resolve take over. It is your duty to guide them to a choice in that session. Yes and no are both fine answers–but require an answer. I will often ask a prospect who wants to “think about it” if that is the thing that stops them elsewhere in their lives. That is usually all I have to say in those situations for them to sign the agreement in front of them.
  • Be respectful with their experience–set context–and make sure when you chat with them on the phone for the purpose of setting up the exploratory session that they are aware of the process–that they know you will clarify what they want, then explain your approach, and then if it is a fit–have them review a contract. Those contact points are critical for your guidance of the client to changing their lives.
• When a client sends you an email raving about your contribution–or when they acknowledge you verbally communicating the difference you have made for them–ask them if you can quote them. Turn that acknowledgment into a testimonial for your marketing materials.

There are more examples I could give, but remember, if you want to have sustainable prosperity and truly be of service to a larger and larger portion of your community, and therefore be an agent of change rippling out to assist in creating a better global condition–consider every contact point an opportunity.

Mistake: Considering Your Service a Commodity

There is a reason I do not publish my rates.

My services are not a commodity on the shelf to be price-shopped. And no one else does what I do, really. And consider that you offer something unique that no one else does. In discovering that you will not only feel better about your “fees”, but you will also have take the first step in being able to communicate the value of your services to your clients and prospects in such a way that your fees seems insignificant and nearly irrelevant when measured against the value your service will bring to their lives.

And really–just between you and me–do you really feel that a number, no matter how reasonable or how unreasonable it may seem communicates the scope and richness of the difference your service can provide in their lives? Unless you have nothing unique to offer–you do your prospects a disservice by buying into their mindset that they can price shop.

I have never lost an opportunity or had a client not want to work with me as a result of this approach. In fact, it is one of the secrets of my success–selling from vision and value and having the money be a formality–but an afterthought.

Mistake #7: Did I say 6?

I guess there is at least one more: “Healing” that which you need to resolve in your self and in your own life by healing others

I am going to say something harsh here and say that I consider it unethical–yes, “unethical” for coaches, therapist, or “healers” to work on the same issues with clients that they have not resolved within themselves.

While you may still be able to provide solutions–at least be honest with your client that you have not handled it in your own life. And make a choice now to only provide services that you feel competent, resolved with, and apply to your self in your own life.

If you are a relationship coach–have a great relationship. If you are a coach around self-esteem, have a well developed ego [in the positive and healthy sense]. If you are an addict who is still smoking, drinking, or doing drugs, do not counsel others on that. Do not look to heal your wounds through the wounds of others. There is a danger of projection, and even more so–how can you charge someone to solve something you have been unable to demonstrate as being solved in your own life?

I hope this article helps you in your desire for sustainable prosperity. Read, listen, learn, and thrive.

Communication, Purpose, sales and marketing tips