One of the aspects of working on and in the context of personal evolution is that I am constantly in evolution in both senses of the word–”in it”, as in exploring the context and in the process of my own personal evolution as well–because you see, it is never over. Our evolution, which is really about allowing the greatest depths of ourselves to unfold and manifest in the world, is never over–because our depths are infinite. If who we are is a manifestation of the divine–an outpouring of Spirit, and the Kingdom of God is Within [and I believe it is] than there is no end to uncovering, clearing, and allowing that beauty to unfold in the world.

And I never ask my clients to do anything I have not done myself and am applying in my own life. Period. As such, this post is a little more personal for me to demonstrate that.

After my divorce, and the year long self-reflection that followed, I realized that for the most part, what consistently happened in my romantic relating was a zero-sum type of dynamic. That at the end of my relationship with a woman, she was tangibly more empowered, more comfortable with herself, more fully embodied, and proud of her womanhood.

Partly because it was my constant practice to be sure she felt loved, had per positive qualities acknowledged somehow on an actual daily basis [not the same ones, but what authentically struck me in the moment as I appreciated her at some point], that she not only had a daily reminder, with full connection and presence of my love for her [and what I loved about her and why] but that she blushed with my acknowledgments.

It was conscious. Intentional. And the relating really cost me dearly. I was psychically drained, more dis-empowered, and frankly, less of a man by the end. It was, in fact, a zero-sum game.

It was not the things I was doing that drained me. They were rewarding to just do it. It was the lack of any reciprocal expression, I think. And I other things they did that I lacked facility around.

The contrast had never been so great than after my divorce–and the dynamics never so clear as in that marriage.

Now, I never planned it that way, but once I noticed it after the divorce, I ended up having a zero-tolerance policy for romantic relating that was not about synergistic upward spirals where both people were winning–and the relating was winning too. A triple win game. Both parties were winning–AND the actual relating was winning too. It is healthier for me to just be alone and fully empowered McClain-Ness than to be in unfulfilling and relating that ultimately cost me energetically. Although it took me a while to adjust to that, and sadly there was one relationship in which she ended up being drained…but it is all a process–and sometimes that is about the pendulum swinging the other way before it swings back the middle to finally rest upon the golden mean.

But back to zero-sum…

Let’s face it–people who have little or no self-respect choose bad and even abusive relationships over being alone. Me? I would rather wake up alone, be in the company of just myself, than be in an unhealthy or un-fulfilling relationship. And I never have [and never will] just go from one relationship to another. Takes at least 6 months or so for self-reflection and the integration of the learnings before we can be responsible with another’s heart, But that is all romantic…

Six years later, I am just now getting to really make sure that is generalized into all relating–not just romantic.

This is all part of how I have been consciously going through ALL of my friendships, free of sentimentality or attachment, and shrewdly examining if they are rich, dynamic, healthy, and fulfilling–or if they are just habits. And then explicitly ending the friendship or deepening and continuing the friendship with more connection, engagement, and intentionality. Regardless of how much I love the individual I am in the friendship with I may be ending. The relating must also be fulfilling. and one of the most important things for me that has the relating fulfilling is emotional engagement…rather than fear and detachment. But real engagement–yet also free of identification or enmeshment.

SOMETIMES that means me making decisions for other people when their relating with me is not serving THEM. I used to refuse to do so, thinking I was availing them of the growth opportunity to declare boundaries, make those choices themselves, develop confidence in communicating their needs, etc. But given that most people are deficient in true esteem for the self, and self-respect [part of which is demonstrated by drawing boundaries] is one of the core components of esteem for the self [along with self-efficacy] but I stopped doing that. I am now quite comfortable making choices for others when they continually demonstrate they incompetent to do for themselves–so long as it is about relating with me.

That is quite enough of the why and the what. But what about the “how” Jason?

It is all about values and forms.

One of the exercises I have clients do in Phase 2 of the Personal Evolution program [and occasionally in the professional evolution program as well] is a full life, all context examination of what is important to them [values] and how they would know if it were being experienced by them; what would they be seeing, feeling hearing, doing, and experiencing that would prover to them they were experiencing value X, Y, or Z? Conflict often happens in the form [which is why politicians are scant on policy papers before the election]. Values [freedom, security, justice] are things that everyone can agree on–we all want that. The HOW of carrying them out? Conflict arises sure as the sun also rises.

So in seeking friendships or romantic relating, it is not enough to express that “communication” is important to us. For some that will mean asking about your day. For others that will mean that if you are bothered by something, no matter how small, you share your internal process. Communication is the value, but the form is different.

Anytime we are upset, barring an unresolved event from the past or a pervasive self-esteem issue, we must look to values. So this becomes a tool for elegant communication to have your needs expressed [and met] as well. One that avoids conflict or having the other person be wrong. One that has intimacy and a deeper level of understanding arise.

But that is a story for another time.

For now, do this:

Take 3 major contexts in your life [romantic, career, community] as ask your self what is important to you in those contexts. You will know it is a “value” if it is conceptual, abstract. If you can put it in a wheelbarrow or touch it or smell it, it is NOT a value, but a form. To “chunk up” higher to the value, ask, “what’s important to me about that?” If you are looking at forms, then it MUST be able to be put in a wheelbarrow–measured, touched, observed. If it can not, and it is an abstract value, then you can “chunk down” to the form by asking, “If I were experiencing _______ how would I know? What would I be seeing, feeling, hearing? What would my evidence be?”

I recommend 3 to 5 values in each context. And for each value, 3 forms or pieces of tangible evidence of that value being realized in the context.

The truth is that if you do this exercise, you might be terribly confronted by the relationship or the career you are in–or you will be relieved to have a conscious and explicit answer as to why you are not fulfilled–or you are drained, or their is conflict you can not understand.

If you are not in one of those context currently [you are single, or you are laid off, or looking for a gig] then this becomes a wonderful tool to overlay onto the person or organization. So you can consciously choose a relationship or organization that truly and consciously suits your values. Otherwise, the spiritual costs are immeasurable. No matter how great the compensation package, or how much chemistry, the spiritual costs of un-fulfilling contexts [where your values are not fulfilled] are immeasurable.

At the same time, be cautious that you are assessing others *through time*. If you only have a snap shot of them, and you are saying they do not suit you personally or professionally, you may be more living out a stage 1, low self-esteem ego game by being right and “justified” than by actually seeing a conflict of values, but that is also another story for another time.

Choose the conscious, fulfilling path. I beg of you, for you and for your Spiritual expression. while this may seem liek a lot of work, it is even more of a burden–and more insidiously so–to be in unfulfilling contexts.

So, ask yourself ::: are you in a habit, or in a relationship?

Communication, Uncategorized, emotions, inter-personal dynamics, intra-personal dynamics, organizing principles, relationships, self-esteem detachment, emotional freedom, facility with self, identification, organizing principles, self-esteem

Read this sentence to yourself in your mind or out loud:
“My life is the sum total of my own choices; the state of my business is the sum total of my choices”.

As you read that and re-read that, what is your experience? Do you feel excitement? Pride? Shame? Do you sense a burden on your shoulders? What does it weigh in your mind? Do you quickly move to insist it is not your “fault”. That it was out of your control?

Or do you experience a comforting and/or challenging level of acceptance. A “yup” with a quiet nod of your head?

One thing is for certain-your relationship to that sentence is a good indicator of your level of self-esteem, or your level of healthy egoic development in the positive sense. You see, it is not the big ego that needs defending or asserting in the world; it is the small ego. It is not the big ego that is arrogant, self-righteous, or deflects responsibility and blames others; it is the small, pre-rational, pre-conventional, vengeful, ego-centric ego.

It is a challenging re-frame for most to get their minds around. But just ask yourself this: what kind of ego could achieve a non-dual sense of reality; what kind of ego could be one with all things, moment to moment? A big, huge ego. An ego so large it can be a yes to whatever is arising moment to moment and relate to it, be a part of it. That takes an expanded sense of self. Yet that ego is also diffuse. It is large, but it is flexible. It lacks rigidity. It does not need defending or asserting; it understands its power. As a result, there is nothing to prove to anyone-not even itself.

“Ego” has fallen on such hard times, particularly in the West for precisely the same reasons that are implicit above: most people seldom develop beyond stage 1 or 1.5 with their own ego, and since that stage of egoic development gets all the press, as it is loudest and most offensive to the senses, and most people are intuitively [and rightfully so] hesitant to talk about stages, as sadly most people use it to imply superiority in the context of worth, we engage in false reductionism  and label all “ego” as bad.  In that moment we engage as well in a bit of self-hatred [we must] and create internal dissonance [again, necessitated by our thinking] and yet, if ego is the very seat of our consciousness, there is no way to “annihilate” or “transcend ” our ego. To attempt to do so is tantamount to philosophical suicide.

And there is insurmountable evidence proven by plenty of studies, from Dr Graves to Kolberg to Gilligan that these waves of unfolding are bigger in terms of how much they can contain and the number and breadth of what they can relate to; from ego-centric to ethno-centric to world-centric.

So, we can not truly or actually transcend it or annihilate it. However, we can evolve it.

So…what about stage 2? Stage 2 is not the vengeful ego, but an egoic consciousness focused on Justice. And stage 3 would be focused (or have a center of gravity around) or be Grace-centric and world centric. It is also often quietest–yet energetically “largest” or “Brightest”. Think of the force of the ego of Mother Theresa. Imagine her penetrating eyes. The light she must have been in the room. Meek only in the traditional quiet voice sense, but radical Spirit manifest; hardly meek in the egoic sense.

And if we consider that, sweeping aside our preconceived notions about what the word ego usually means in our popular culture, and we begin to get a grasp onto that very upward spiral we all inherently must climb as we ascend or deepen in our own developmental paths, we see the truth.

At this point you may be asking what the heck this has to do with being in business for yourself?!

Let’s look at self-esteem.

We use Dr Nathaniel Branden’s definitions that self esteem has two equal and necessary parts or components: knowledge of your efficacy [knowing you are competent and effective enough to handle what life throws at you] and your self-respect, or the feeling that you deserve to be here and have a good life; that you are “appropriate to life”. We could think of these two components as: your value (in the marketplace) and your worth (your divinity); your negotiated worth and your unquestionable worth; that which can be developed and improved and marketed and that which is unquestionably priceless. Your guilt [the feeling that we did a thing that was in violation of our own value set as Mr Mark Michael Lewis states] and our nervous system is more activated to be sure we do not do it again] and our Shame [the extra move of then judging ourselves as worthless or "bad" at our core as a result.

You must begin to understand that most have their value and their worth collapsed. This is why we engage in shame: we confuse our efficacy with our worth; our finances with who we are at our core; our social reputation with our divine nature. But your self-worth is a settled matter-no matter how much you attempt to outsource it to others and give them the apparent right to pass judgment on you and determine your "worth". At the end of the day, you have to agree or disagree with them to feel into their judgments.

No one can truly impact your self-esteem positively or negatively without you first giving them permission. Period.

Otherwise, we would call it "other esteem". Heh.

I have yet to find someone going into business for themselves for the first time who did not suffer unnecessarily from questions of worth, self-doubt, and/or inquiring "who are they to X, Y, Z.".

Who are you not to? Who are you to keep your gifts from the world? To make that global choice? That is the chilling question.

But on a more practical level, your self-esteem, or your level of egoic development in the healthy sense, will determine how quickly you rebound from negative and unexpected results. It will determine how well you are paid in relationship to how much value you offer others in their lives-and how easily you ask for what you are owed. It will determine how quickly you adjust and adapt to current fluctuating market conditions. It will determine how easily you accept and incorporate feedback. It will determine how easily you can admit errors and move on...

All necessary attributes for a thriving solo-preneur. All necessary attributes for you to thrive in a freer market economy. All questions ignored, stepped over, or only [if forced to] embarrassingly addressed by most courses in small business or even in courses like our CLC. Questions that in the Coaching the Life Coach program we spend an entire module on-and we do it first. Until these errors in thinking, as well as flashpoints in our past are addressed and resolved to a certain degree, teaching you how to build a business will only increase your anxiety and create internal dissonance.

And that would be…well…unkind.

Action steps:

Make a decision today to ask yourself these two questions any time you get results that are unpleasant or unwanted, and could be blamed on another external force, albeit the government, the market at large, your target market, or even God/dess Almighty her/himself:

1.    How am I responsible?
2.    What can I learn [that is positive or empowering; what structures can I put in place to resolve it?]

The first question may be hard to swallow. Good.  You will need to expand your sense of who you are to answer it honestly and usefully. And remember: responsibility does NOT equal fault or blame. Those are separate matters. Take this practice on and you will begin to evolve your ego.

Why?

Because to be able to step into a world-centric life or spiritual purpose, developing an ego that is large enough to take that on without internal questions of doubt and worth is essential for your happiness and your internal harmony. Both things which, even while stretching and challenging you, I hope these writings will increase.

In Service,

Jason D. McClain

21st Century Marketplace, Purpose, ego, intra-personal dynamics, self-esteem, spirituality

Who or What do You Worship?

The purpose of this writing is to lay out different “gods” or objects of worship as an outgrowth and/or expression of the mimetic stage [meme codes within values spheres] of individuals and groups using a rough sketch of the Spiral Dynamics model.

Be forewarned ::: this is serious personal evolution geek stuff.

I am also going to make the unusual move of saying the very premise of what I am about to lay out is inaccurate. That’s right. I am beginning by saying I am wrong in my assertion that there is an individual relationship between mimetic stage and what one “worships”. Why? Because we experience / interpret through and emotionally react from our stage of development—and an individual can therefore have an experience of a particular spirituality or spiritual expression that is the same religion and same “god” as another at a radically different stage and therefore experience it differently. However, I have noticed cultural clumps that gives us enough evidence to make these generalizations below for the purpose of engaging in this thought experiment.

To understand some of what I will say in this writing, one must have an at least basic grasp of the Spiral Dynamics model. There are two summaries attached for your downloading HERE and HERE. Source ::: LINK . Review those before reading further.

My favorite way of representing Spiral Dynamics comes from Dr. Claire Graves himself: The memes are “degrees of activation of the nervous system”. These are not types of people but rather ways of thinking that are holarchically emergent within people. Having established all of the above as our foundation…

The status of the world today is precarious.

All we need to do is turn on the television or spend a day reading the New York Times, WaPo, The Wall Street Journal, Instapundit, or google news, to see some article about humans attempting to force their value system—often expressed through religiosity—onto others.

Whether you are a Israeli having to worry about your existential existence while others in the name of Allah want to push you to the sea, or a secular humanist fearful of the Christian Right in America and some Nation States in Europe, or you are a secular Jew shaking your head at the expansion of settlements deeper into “Palestine”…or you were a New York Resident who watched the twin towers fall you are probably–to varying degrees—aware of and worried about religious fundamentalism and its perilous impact on the global web of life.

But there are other forms that are not as obvious and are more popularly accepted and advocated in today’s media and the latest social mimetic in vogue.

Regardless of which belief system you call your own, the dangers of religious fundamentalism are undeniable.  In all likelihood, you just think it is the fundamentalism of the Other that is dangerous. But what of your own? You may or may not worship a traditional god, but there is a 98% chance you worship something—and have your own attachment and identification to it.

Who or what do you worship? It may not be a god, a goddess, or a Great Spirit but it is something. Is it success, achievement, or the all-mighty dollar? Is it Gaia, Mother Earth, the biosphere? Is it the Nation State, government, or the democratic process?

What do you surrender your mind to? What are you an activist for? Put your worship into? Become irrational over or about? Deny evidence to the contrary for/of?

Once someone says anything is a settled matter—and are closed to debate or dialogue—and go so far as to say that those who do not agree should be tried and hanged, that, my friends, is religious fundamentalism regardless of the form of the deity. In fact, here is an organization advocating Nuremburg-Style Trials for Global Warming Skeptics. Lovely. Lovely example of fundamentalism, that is. Gaia as God/dess.  Apparently we are going back to burning people at the stake for being heretics. Only the deity has changed.

Now that I have your attention, the rest of this piece will be a geek-out session of personal evolution and the emergent in spiral dynamics coupled with cultural clumps and the waves a particular god/dess or “deity” is most inclined towards.

Purple or “magic/mythic” will worship nature and the spirits in nature. The trees talk to Purple. So does the wind. They may worship the great Spirit or the Directions and their elements. Red worships power, respect, might, and most notably, blows things up in the name of Allah. Their “gods” may be the gang, the dictator, the Authoritarian State and so on. Blue/Conventional is likely to worship a Christian/Judeo god in a fundamentalist way—taking the bible or the Torah literally. Orange will worship the all-mighty dollar, success, status, and achievement, and/or hard science. Green will worship Gaia or Community or Multiculturalism and “Diversity” with great fervor and no regard for real-world results.

And thus ends Tier 1, where the “Momentous Leap”, as Dr Claire Graves called it, emerges and occurs. At Yellow, or Integral—the first stage in Tier 2, there is little or no “worship”, but rather an appreciation of all forms of worship and all metaphors [yes I said it] for the highest form of consciousness; what some refer to as “God” or Goddess”.

Having said all that, it is possible for someone to rise through these emergent stages in one of any of the religions or forms of worship listed above—but the way they interpret it moves from maniacal and fervent to literal to obedient to questioning to rejecting to appreciating it for its metaphorical value–yet having choice around it. And as one rises through those waves, stages, or levels of development in relationship to it, its grasp and its “Truth-ness” becomes less and less rigid and less and less fundamentalist and therefore less and less violent both physically and metaphorically.

We hold our beliefs less rigidly and in relationship with them, our beliefs do not hold onto us quite so rigidly either. They lose their grip on us.

So…who—or what—do you worship?  Each memetic stage in the evolution of values [another way of thinking about and representing SD] has its own fixation and spiritual expression. Is it God? Jehovah? Allah? Is it the Market? is it Gaia? Is it Community or the State?

Consider this ::: your view, while accurate and valid, is incomplete. It is partial. It must be. They all are. I look forward to a day when we can all truly appreciate the value and beauty in all beliefs while creating a stable and sustainable dialogue between all of them as we transcend our fundamentalism in all forms and create an Integral and integrated world.

Beliefs, intra-personal dynamics, spirituality integral, integral religion, personal evolution, spiral dynamics, spirituality, wilber

Be sure to read Part 1 here first.

Practical Steps to Emotional Freedom

Your practice, if you want to develop choice, facility, and ultimately, personal freedom and mastery over your own subjective experience, is the following:

Make a decision right now to take 100% responsibility for your subjective experience. Every bit of it. Your interpretations, your feelings, your emotions, your beliefs—accept that 100% of your subjective experience is generated by…you.

This will give you power and access to choice and freedom. It is also a spiritual and emotional truth with over 2600 years of testing, verification, and validation.  There are certainly things you will have to give up, self-righteousness and blame being to two big ones, but you have to decide if you want to be right, or be happy. If you want to be happy and free from the emotional matrix of self-generated misery…make the decision now.

Having made that decision, then:

1. Notice when you are agitated
2. Notice how you are characterizing the events [is it descriptive, scientific, or is it a judgment or characterization?]
3. Ask yourself what other possible interpretations there are [generate at least three alternative interpretations, making at least one fun] this will build in interpretive flexibility and assist you in taking on multiple perspectives–a critical faculty to build for your personal evolution
4. Ask yourself what you know—scientifically, descriptively—and what you are making up or imagining—and separate the two
5. Verify your interpretations directly with the party involved

In the unlikely event that your disempowering and/or negative interpretations are accurate, your work continues by being vigilant against the old habit patterns of the mind to then extrapolate out a generalized disempowering and/or possibly a “global” belief. I recommend conducting a sentence stem exercise to uncover some of your own beliefs—particularly the global or personally limiting beliefs. What are sentence stems and what are the guidelines for such an exercise?

I am glad you asked. Some examples of sentence stems are as follows:

• I am _________.
• People are _________.
• The world is _________.
• I will never _________.
• They always _________.
• Men [are] _________.
• Women [are] _________.

The guidelines for the exercise are to

1. Finish the sentence in writing as many times as possible within 90 or 120 second—that is, 1.5 or 2 minutes.
2. No less than 10 completions, no more than 20 is a useful range
3. All answers are acceptable; no filtering, no reframing, no changing of any answers
4. Let it flow—that is try to complete the exercise as much as possible without thinking about the answers.
5. If they start to get “strange” or unexpected, you are on the right track.
6. If they are all happy and shiny, redo the exercise focusing on the shadow side

What this exercise does is allows us to uncover beliefs from parts of ourselves we do not always allow to come through. Beliefs that are there are the time, and are running our lives; beliefs that may be limiting us, may be causing dis-ease and tension in our body, robbing us of possibility, connection, opportunity and prosperity, and ultimately health and well being. These beliefs, once we have scoured the world for enough “evidence” to support them become the glasses through which we view the world creating a clouded and disempowered experience-not to mention inherently inaccurate, at least in part. Begin to look for counter-examples. Notice your attachment to beliefs and how that only serves you short term, and stalls your personal evolution.

Once again, as always, awareness is the gateway. Awareness of your sensations, is the first entry point. Are you agitated? Do you feel a sinking feeling in your stomach? Is there tension in your chest? Etc. From there, what are the thoughts and interpretations leading to those sensations? Are the labels you are attaching to those sensations even accurate? To what degree? How accurate are your interpretations of the events? Once verified, then ask, what did I make it mean? And then ask yourself, “what else could it mean?”

The answers to that last question must be positive or empowering about yourself or about the world or about people. You get extra evolutionary bonus points if you do this even when you don’t have to—that is, when your anger is “justified” or your frustration is “understandable”.

Be vigilant against this pitfall. While it may feel good in the moment–and there is a short-term pseudo-self-esteem boost [that is, pre-rational, stage 1 ego reenforcement], it does not serve your evolution in the long-term to indulge in the place of justification for your “negative” emotional states.

Develop your awareness. Use the power of your mind to free yourself and to prosper. Prosper financially, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually.

Beliefs, ego, emotions, intra-personal dynamics

“We do not respond to reality. We respond to our internal representation of reality.”—NLP Presupposition

“Mind precedes everything. All that you are is a result of what you have thought.”—Buddhist Principle

People of great wisdom and insight in both the East and West agree. Our emotional experience has little or nothing to do with external reality. Oh sure—there are plenty of people, events, situations, and injustices that are easy targets for blame. Bad things happen. And while, often people’s lives are the sum total of their choices, often bad things happen to good people through no action or fault of their own. And less dramatically, unpleasant and undeserved things may happen. Only a fool would dispute that.

Events occur. That we cannot change. What we do have tremendous choice over is our experience of those events.

And yet, take 5 people and have something negative happen to them and they will all react, respond, and characterize it differently—if even slightly. They will have five different emotional experiences.

What is the difference that makes the difference?

One of my favorite examples is when someone does not call when they said they would or we expect them to. Or perhaps they are late or a no-show to some meeting or appointment. When we finally hear from them, how often are they blamed for our negative emotional experience? We say things like, “you made me worry”, or “I was about to call the hospital,” or something of that nature. Perhaps we are relieved when we hear form them. Perhaps we are angry. Perhaps we are both in succession.

I love that—“you made me worry”. As if the person forced us to fantasize negative things. The responsible thing to say when we were upset by a lack of information is something like, “I was worried because I lacked facility with my interpretations.”

Whether we are conscious of them or not, all of our emotions are a result of our internal maps of reality or our internal representations.

How emotionally free are you? To answer that answer this question: how well do you accept or respond to unexpected events—and events that violate your expectations?

Here is a simple equation to ponder:

X + Y = E

Where X is the event, Y is your interpretation of the event, and E is the resulting emotion. We have little choice over events. We can interpret them any number of ways. And we usually do—however we usually do it in a negative and disempowering way. That would be bad enough, but we do not stop there, do we? No. We then generalize it out and create a belief about ourselves, people, the world, etc. spreading the madness allowing it to be come one of the filters through which we view the world. To make matters even worse, we do not sort events looking for how they are different than our belief; we look for evidence to buttress it so we feel validated and our small ego gets some satisfaction. Our belief then becomes a conviction. Gather enough “evidence” and it becomes simply the way the world is, or people are. That is, it becomes the truth.

Sadly, [for them] most people would rather be right than be accurate. That is, they come to conclusions and then sort for evidence that proves that they are “right” often ignoring evidence to the contrary—actually not even noticing it. Far better to look for how your belief may be inaccurate. Better still, to gather evidence and come to a conclusion after all the information is in. Even better still is to avoid creating global beliefs about anything and any one.

Anger and Stress are Immuno-Supressive

The person who is hurt the most by our lack of facility is our self. There is a greater and greater volume of research to validate the long-held understanding that negative emotions are a drain on your physical resources negatively impacting health and well being; that positive emotions are uplifting and create greater physical health and well being.

I recommend The Molecules of Emotion as a good start.

Practical Steps to Emotional Freedom…

Read the rest in Part 2 next week…

Part 2 is now available here.

emotions, intra-personal dynamics

Be sure to read Part 1 of this article here.

Taking Responsibility

The more you take responsibility—for your emotions, your actions, your life the more you build self-esteem. It is not the person who upset you, it is that you became triggered—or that you lost facility. It is not that the cost of living is too high; it is that you are not generating enough income. It is not that someone treats you poorly; it is that you are ineffective at drawing appropriate boundaries. The locus of responsibility—and therefore power—is within you. Nothing is external. To blame someone is to give them tremendous power over you. When you forgo blame in favor of responsibility, you give up comfort, but you reap tremendous rewards—gaining power and building self-esteem.

Sadly, I have even experienced people whose ego structure [development of self-esteem] is so insufficient that they will severely distort facts to make themselves look better—all unconsciously. That is, they are not even aware they are doing it. Their ego is so small and fragile it can not include possibilities that do not put them in the most positive light. They also cannot hear feedback. They take things personally that take great leaps of irrationality to do so. They will also have trouble telling the truth of their experience—they are too fearful. And they have a strong — and at times desperate — need for approval and acknowledgment from others.They are in egoic hell.

Fortunately, the solution is simple. Not easy, but simple. And the more you do it the easier it gets and it is the only sure fire way to build your rational self-esteem; taking responsibility for your part in all things inter-personal. Seeing and examining your part—and ignoring the part the other person had to play in it. Blame serves no one. Responsibility gives you tremendous power.

“Do you want to be on the results side of the equation, or the excuses side of the equation? –Christopher Howard

Let’s leave that for now and move to identification. When you identify with an aspect of your experience: possessions, reputation, job, relationship, etc. you will experience extreme fear and perhaps panic if you think it may be taken from you or lost. You will then make choices and take actions out of a fight-or-flight state. Likewise, if it actually is taken from you or lost to you, you will experience loss, perhaps confusion, pain, at times even grief. Often depression and despair are not far behind.

Both of these emotional experiences: fear and loss are clear indicators of identification; a case of mistaken identity. Who you truly are is that which is experiencing all of that. Pure awareness. The Witness.

The ultimate spiritual practice is dis-identifying from that which you think is you.”—Ken Wilber

Taking a step back, let’s look at this in more practical terms. The Witness is simply another perceptual position. As we discussed in the Rapport Module, there are at least 3 that you want to become facile in navigating: self, other, observer; or first, second, and third person perceptual positions. Witness is akin to an associated observer. I like to think of the first three as concentric circles, and the Witness as an intersecting circle that crosses all three.

Mastery of this and the other perceptual positions will allow you to experience massive internal facility, emotional freedom, and the ability to relate to and understand many and multiple perspectives—even if you do not agree with them.

You will have a greater scope of resources emotionally. You will have greater flexibility mentally. You will bounce back from unexpected events far more rapidly, and you will react less and less and respond more and more. Ultimately, you will foster the kind of flexibility and fluidity necessary for the 21st Century Marketplace and frankly, be happier, physically healthier, and more productive.

Your clients and prospects will sense the difference—even if they lack the linguistic structures to navigate it or explain it—and that will translate to results for you.

So that is what it is and why it is important, and what it makes possible…but how, Jason? How?

You have to learn the set of skills that will allow you to observe your experience. That is: to have your experience without your experience having you.

Just as in learning a new language, immersion is best at first if you are serious about learning the skill. There is a practice that I recommend.

As in all things I recommend to you, I have either done it, am doing it, or practice it continually. I have experienced this particular immersion six times now. It is a meditative practice that has been working for the purpose of teaching witnessing faculties for 2,500 years now. No matter your religion, spiritual beliefs, or lack thereof, you will reap many benefits and those around you will take notice. And soon you will realize how critical a skill it is indeed and how positive its results can be.

Find out more about scheduling this kind of immersion for yourself HERE.

And then you will truly be an Evolutionary professional.

Communication, ego, emotions, intra-personal dynamics, spirituality

When most people hear the word “hypnosis” they get a little unsettled. They usually get unsettled as a result of some fantasy about what hypnosis is or is not. Some associate it to stage hypnosis and the Vegas show world. Others are afraid of what someone might do to them when they are unconscious. Still others are afraid of clucking like a chicken when the phone rings. Others my simply roll their eyes thinking that hypnosis is more mumbo-jumbo for the woo-woo set who wear patchouli oil and live in Northern California or in Boulder, Colorado.

So what is “hypnosis”? For our purposes, hypnosis is simply the use of language and imagination to direct experience. If you have ever watched television and felt enraptured in a show, you were in a hypnotic trance. When it seems like time flew by, you were in a hypnotic trance. If someone has ever told you a story and you began to visualize aspects of it, you were in a hypnotic trance. If you have ever fantasized about someone or something positively or negatively, you were in a hypnotic trance. If someone has ever asked “how are you today?” and you took a moment to truly consider it, they had put you in a hypnotic trance.

And the list goes on.

The truth is, we are in a state of hypnotic trance more than we are out of it.

That is the good news. Once you notice it, and have enough facility to intervene in the process, it becomes a tremendously powerful opportunity to harness the power of your mind. Once you notice it, you can be more respectful of other people’s experience and avoid adding anything negative. The truth is, we are directing each other’s experience all the time. We are hypnotizing each other all the time. Are you adding beauty and joy? Or are we directing people to their internal struggles or pain out of ignorance and “empathy”?

One of my favorite jokes to play in a partially full elevator is to look at the floor, placing both my hands on the side of my head, slapping lightly while say, “Shut up. All of you shut up!” What fun. However, there is an unfortunate kernel of truth in this joke for most of us.

Recent studies have indicated that over 77% of our self-talk or internal dialogue is negative. This is a stunning number. That is also an average from largely untrained minds.

You Notice What You Think About

The Law of Attraction has been one of the mainstays of personal development since its inception. That is, that we are likely to get what we focus on. Like a search engine, we put something in it, hit return, and we get ranked results. Our mind goes looking for what we often unintentionally tasked it with. And yet, we are often telling ourselves and our minds things that are negative, will not help us realize our potential, and will not serve our ultimate happiness.

There is a resurgent interest and focus on this Law as a result of the movie The Secret. There is no magic to this. When we set our intention or focus on something, our reticular activator goes into action. A part of our mind and biology left over from hunter gatherer years.

Some common examples:

• You decide on a new car you like and want to purchase; suddenly you see that model everywhere
• You make a decision to start a new business venture, and you overhear a stranger at a restaurant who may be helpful
• You make a commitment to a change in your life change and within the next week you see and/or hear multiple marketing messages offering solutions to the very problem you have decided to overcome

People who do not understand the science of the mind and body behind this will say things like “I manifested that/them”, and similar formulations that say more about their stage of development that any particular objective reality, After all, we interpret the world through–and react from–our stage of development and its accompanying filters and value memes. The truth is, the thing we suddenly see or the opportunity that arises was already there, we just notice it now. As a function of our biology, our senses have to reduce and filter out over 50% of our stimulus for processing. That is, over half of the information coming to us through our sense tools [eyes, ears, nose, skin, taste] is filtered out. We do not have the ability to process it all. Particularly visually and auditorally in an urban environment.

So our mind notices what we have consciously or unconsciously set it to notice. I recommend the conscious option as much as possible. becoming more and more intentional about this tool rather than leaving it to chance.

How do we train this powerful tool? How do we harness the full power of our minds for our benefit, rather than allowing it to run roughshod over us? How do we leverage this aspect of our consciousness to create a life in which we thrive?

…read about that in part 2 in a few days.

Find Part 2 HERE now.

Beliefs, emotions, intra-personal dynamics

“There is no such thing as failure–only feedback for course correction.”

It is rumored that a missile is of course over 90% of the time. That the purpose of its guidance systems are to constantly course correct, course correct, course correct. Most of the time, with an effective guidance system, we know that even given that necessity for course correction, the missile hits its intended target with a reasonably high level of accuracy.

You are that missile.

Just imagine if scientists, upon the first major failure of the Unites States’ manned moon missions looked at the fire, balled up their papers in front of them and with a great wail, shreaked “We are such a failure! We better not try to explore space! It is God’s realm–not meant for man!”

Actually you can bet some of the general public did. Thankfully, the general public does not reside at Mission Control in Houston.

Your job is to be a scientist of results, communication, and your own experience. To be fascinated by it. To have it, but not to be so in it, that it has you. Have your experience, but do not allow your experience to have you.

What this means is that you are experimenting, noticing your results, gathering feedback, trying again, and again, and again.

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” — Thomas Edison

There are many skills necessary for mastery of the internal navigation of your subjective experience. However, one of the major components is self-esteem. As previously discussed in Evolutionary Sales, it is your immune system for life and for results. It will give you the ability to look at your results practically, and adjust. Rather than taking it personally and making it mean something about your very worth and value in the world.

Be a scientist of subjective experience. A scientist of results. Ask not “is it possible or not”, but rather, “what do I need to do to achieve the result I desire; what do I need to learn, acquire, do, be”, etc., etc., ad infinitum.

Your mastery is an asymptote. You will master your mastery and then realize that there are such subtleties that you have only begun.–

And then you have reached an integral level of evolution and the game of development and personal evolution becomes a fun game indeed.

Cross posted at Personal Life Media.

ego, emotions, intra-personal dynamics, organizing principles, sales and marketing tips detachment, emotional freedom, emotions, facility with self, organizing principles

As I mentioned in an earlier episode of Evolutionary Sales, it is impossible to over-estimate the importance of Self-Esteem, or as I prefer to say: “esteem for the self”.

Why would I assert it is impossible to over-estimate the importance of Self-Esteem?

Its viability is your immune system for life–and the antidote to most of your day-to-day emotional and interpersonal struggles and challenges. Whether you take things too personally, fail to rebound from rejection quickly enough, have nagging self-doubts, seek validation, or question your ability to create the life you want…it could be considered a self-esteem issue. In fact, whether it is true or not, it would be useful to consider all upset as sourced in self-esteem or insufficient ego development.

Self-esteem is one of the most important, yet most overused and misunderstood concepts in popular psychology today.

What Self-Esteem Is and Is Not

Nathaniel Branden, PhD
Copyright © 1997, Nathaniel Branden, All Rights Reserved
This article is adapted from “The Art of Living Consciously” (Simon & Schuster, 1997).

Four decades ago, when I began lecturing on self-esteem, the challenge was to persuade people that the subject was worthy of study. Almost no one was talking or writing about self-esteem in those days. Today, almost everyone seems to be talking about self-esteem, and the danger is that the idea may become trivialized. And yet, of all the judgments we pass in life, none is more important than the judgment we pass on ourselves.

Having written on this theme in a series of books, I want, in this short article, to address the issue of what self-esteem is, what it depends on, and what are some of the most prevalent misconceptions about it.

Self-esteem is an experience. It is a particular way of experiencing the self. It is a good deal more than a mere feeling—this must be stressed. It involves emotional, evaluative, and cognitive components. It also entails certain action dispositions: to move toward life rather than away from it; to move toward consciousness rather than away from it; to treat facts with respect rather than denial; to operate self-responsibly rather than the opposite.

Read more…

emotions, inter-personal dynamics, intra-personal dynamics, self-esteem ego, sales, self-esteem

In this session of Evolutionary Radio, Ian Blei, founder of Optimized Results, is interviewing me on Personal Evolution, what it means to be an Evolutionary Guide, what clients report who work with me, why I offer a complimentary exploratory session, what people can expect from that session and much, much more.

Your options are much easier now. You can either use the in-line player by clicking on it below, or use one of the various links to download or play it in another window.

Podcasts: Evolutionary Radio, ego, intra-personal dynamics ego, hypnosis, nlp, personal evolution, self-esteem