One of the aspects of working on and in the context of personal evolution is that I am constantly in evolution in both senses of the word–”in it”, as in exploring the context and in the process of my own personal evolution as well–because you see, it is never over. Our evolution, which is really about allowing the greatest depths of ourselves to unfold and manifest in the world, is never over–because our depths are infinite. If who we are is a manifestation of the divine–an outpouring of Spirit, and the Kingdom of God is Within [and I believe it is] than there is no end to uncovering, clearing, and allowing that beauty to unfold in the world.

And I never ask my clients to do anything I have not done myself and am applying in my own life. Period. As such, this post is a little more personal for me to demonstrate that.

After my divorce, and the year long self-reflection that followed, I realized that for the most part, what consistently happened in my romantic relating was a zero-sum type of dynamic. That at the end of my relationship with a woman, she was tangibly more empowered, more comfortable with herself, more fully embodied, and proud of her womanhood.

Partly because it was my constant practice to be sure she felt loved, had per positive qualities acknowledged somehow on an actual daily basis [not the same ones, but what authentically struck me in the moment as I appreciated her at some point], that she not only had a daily reminder, with full connection and presence of my love for her [and what I loved about her and why] but that she blushed with my acknowledgments.

It was conscious. Intentional. And the relating really cost me dearly. I was psychically drained, more dis-empowered, and frankly, less of a man by the end. It was, in fact, a zero-sum game.

It was not the things I was doing that drained me. They were rewarding to just do it. It was the lack of any reciprocal expression, I think. And I other things they did that I lacked facility around.

The contrast had never been so great than after my divorce–and the dynamics never so clear as in that marriage.

Now, I never planned it that way, but once I noticed it after the divorce, I ended up having a zero-tolerance policy for romantic relating that was not about synergistic upward spirals where both people were winning–and the relating was winning too. A triple win game. Both parties were winning–AND the actual relating was winning too. It is healthier for me to just be alone and fully empowered McClain-Ness than to be in unfulfilling and relating that ultimately cost me energetically. Although it took me a while to adjust to that, and sadly there was one relationship in which she ended up being drained…but it is all a process–and sometimes that is about the pendulum swinging the other way before it swings back the middle to finally rest upon the golden mean.

But back to zero-sum…

Let’s face it–people who have little or no self-respect choose bad and even abusive relationships over being alone. Me? I would rather wake up alone, be in the company of just myself, than be in an unhealthy or un-fulfilling relationship. And I never have [and never will] just go from one relationship to another. Takes at least 6 months or so for self-reflection and the integration of the learnings before we can be responsible with another’s heart, But that is all romantic…

Six years later, I am just now getting to really make sure that is generalized into all relating–not just romantic.

This is all part of how I have been consciously going through ALL of my friendships, free of sentimentality or attachment, and shrewdly examining if they are rich, dynamic, healthy, and fulfilling–or if they are just habits. And then explicitly ending the friendship or deepening and continuing the friendship with more connection, engagement, and intentionality. Regardless of how much I love the individual I am in the friendship with I may be ending. The relating must also be fulfilling. and one of the most important things for me that has the relating fulfilling is emotional engagement…rather than fear and detachment. But real engagement–yet also free of identification or enmeshment.

SOMETIMES that means me making decisions for other people when their relating with me is not serving THEM. I used to refuse to do so, thinking I was availing them of the growth opportunity to declare boundaries, make those choices themselves, develop confidence in communicating their needs, etc. But given that most people are deficient in true esteem for the self, and self-respect [part of which is demonstrated by drawing boundaries] is one of the core components of esteem for the self [along with self-efficacy] but I stopped doing that. I am now quite comfortable making choices for others when they continually demonstrate they incompetent to do for themselves–so long as it is about relating with me.

That is quite enough of the why and the what. But what about the “how” Jason?

It is all about values and forms.

One of the exercises I have clients do in Phase 2 of the Personal Evolution program [and occasionally in the professional evolution program as well] is a full life, all context examination of what is important to them [values] and how they would know if it were being experienced by them; what would they be seeing, feeling hearing, doing, and experiencing that would prover to them they were experiencing value X, Y, or Z? Conflict often happens in the form [which is why politicians are scant on policy papers before the election]. Values [freedom, security, justice] are things that everyone can agree on–we all want that. The HOW of carrying them out? Conflict arises sure as the sun also rises.

So in seeking friendships or romantic relating, it is not enough to express that “communication” is important to us. For some that will mean asking about your day. For others that will mean that if you are bothered by something, no matter how small, you share your internal process. Communication is the value, but the form is different.

Anytime we are upset, barring an unresolved event from the past or a pervasive self-esteem issue, we must look to values. So this becomes a tool for elegant communication to have your needs expressed [and met] as well. One that avoids conflict or having the other person be wrong. One that has intimacy and a deeper level of understanding arise.

But that is a story for another time.

For now, do this:

Take 3 major contexts in your life [romantic, career, community] as ask your self what is important to you in those contexts. You will know it is a “value” if it is conceptual, abstract. If you can put it in a wheelbarrow or touch it or smell it, it is NOT a value, but a form. To “chunk up” higher to the value, ask, “what’s important to me about that?” If you are looking at forms, then it MUST be able to be put in a wheelbarrow–measured, touched, observed. If it can not, and it is an abstract value, then you can “chunk down” to the form by asking, “If I were experiencing _______ how would I know? What would I be seeing, feeling, hearing? What would my evidence be?”

I recommend 3 to 5 values in each context. And for each value, 3 forms or pieces of tangible evidence of that value being realized in the context.

The truth is that if you do this exercise, you might be terribly confronted by the relationship or the career you are in–or you will be relieved to have a conscious and explicit answer as to why you are not fulfilled–or you are drained, or their is conflict you can not understand.

If you are not in one of those context currently [you are single, or you are laid off, or looking for a gig] then this becomes a wonderful tool to overlay onto the person or organization. So you can consciously choose a relationship or organization that truly and consciously suits your values. Otherwise, the spiritual costs are immeasurable. No matter how great the compensation package, or how much chemistry, the spiritual costs of un-fulfilling contexts [where your values are not fulfilled] are immeasurable.

At the same time, be cautious that you are assessing others *through time*. If you only have a snap shot of them, and you are saying they do not suit you personally or professionally, you may be more living out a stage 1, low self-esteem ego game by being right and “justified” than by actually seeing a conflict of values, but that is also another story for another time.

Choose the conscious, fulfilling path. I beg of you, for you and for your Spiritual expression. while this may seem liek a lot of work, it is even more of a burden–and more insidiously so–to be in unfulfilling contexts.

So, ask yourself ::: are you in a habit, or in a relationship?

Here is the NLPco Teleseminar for your listening convenience.

Your URL for the discount for the CLC Apprentice Program is HERE. and
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Go there to start the pre-screening process.

It expires Sunday night at 11:59pm. If you get a 404 error, you
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In Service,

Jason D McClain

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Part 1 from last week is HERE. Go there to read it for the fist time or to refresh your memory before reading part 2.

Live a Life of Service

There are two components to getting paid what you are worth.

• A foundation of service and contribution
• Skill with creating more accurate and more effective value perceptions

Make a Choice Today–if you have not already done so–to live a life dedicated to assisting others. To be of service. To be an agent in overt operations designed to assit others in reaching their pinnacle–or at least the next plateau and vista. This is the foundation you must come from to act ethically with tools of influence—and to be justified in greater latitude in the type of influence you use.

Why is this important?

It is important for two very different, yet deeply related reasons:

1. Coming from a place of service–only serving another’s need and goals–your communication dynamics will be cleaner. You will not be trying to get what you want–from or for–the client; you will be assisting the client in reaching the higher fruits they find appealing. You are in partnership. There is no call for conflict. This and one other organizing principle I operate by as a practitioner has yielded me only 1 hostile client situation in a pool of 200 clients over a span of nearly 5 years.
2. If you are truly being of service to another achieving what they want–and it is an outcome or goal that does no harm to any living thing, it then becomes your duty–yes, duty–to leverage them beyond their limitations. What that means to you is that your grounding of service, coupled with the permission you receive, or context implicitly set by walking into your office is the gateway to free reign with tools of influence. If what your desire creeps in, or more subtly, you desire for them to set a goal or an outcome that you think they should want or that you see as possible for them, you have lost your footing and your just cause—unless you enroll them in that and gain their permission to influence them towards that end.

You must be genuinely coming from assisting them in creating the life they want. You must not appear attached–and hopefully you do the intra-personal work to actually BE unattached. Otherwise you will seem desperate. And in romance, politics, and in business, desperation is not an aphrodisiac. Either way, consider your service to them as your organizing principle: how would your behaviors show up? How far would you go to inspire or help them? Would you care about them? To what degree? How would you relate to their opinion or their experience of you? Your approach should be determined by what serves them as an individual. Some need loving care and safety. Some need a kick in the tush. I can call upon any style that serves them–and I encourage you to take that on as well.

Whatever the truth of your situation and concerns, you must act as if you do not need them to sign anything. The best way to do that is to put your concerns out of your head, and focus on theirs and theirs alone for at least the time you are together. Your concerns for your own life are simply irrelevant for that hour. Pretend to set them down next to the door right after you hang your coat up, or boot your computer, or whatever ritual you conduct in your office when you walk in.

They are not in service of you and your needs. They are not lucky to have you. You are lucky and honored to be in their service. Act that way. The referrals will pour in. You are in service of them living the life they dream of. Continue to help people attain what they envision for themselves, and you will eventually have everything you could want.

You will be far more spiritually fulfilled. If your life and your business is about helping others–that is your livelihood is sourced in assisting others in realizing and attaining a higher level of excellence in any context in their lives–you can not help but be fulfilled.

How does one shift away from a subject-object orientation to an orientation of service in support of another’s vision? A relational orientation. The organizing principle and the effective method is simple: you are not trading time for money–you are not really selling a service. What you are selling the prospective client is their vision for how their life could and will be.

If they achieved their stated desired results working with you, How would their life be different? what would that be worth?

Of course, when you ask the question of them, you may want to say “will have achieved” not “if”.

I wish I did not have to stress this, but you also want to be sure before you go any further that your service will, with an overwhelming percentage of certainty, give them what they need to achieve their outcomes.

It is probably priceless. That is certainly the answer I receive more than any other–so valuable to their life It is certainly worth more than your fees. In fact, your fees are insignificant compared to what any client would say the experiencing of achieving ABC or resolving XYZ would be worth to them.

You can ask further:

• How would their relationship with their spouse or significant other be positively impacted
• How would they feel about their life and themselves?
• What would that make possible [or] what would arise in their life as a result of these changes?

These are not rhetorical questions. You must openly guide them to answer explicitly–several times–to get clear on why they would purchase your product or service. That is the value perception you would ask them to consider while reviewing any agreement. I do so openly as I hand them the agreement. After they answer the questions, I hand them the agreement saying:

“That is the value you are considering this agreement against–the context you are to hold as you review it.”

That is why I maintain rigorous integrity to my policy of not discussing rates or fees before the exploratory session. Until they know what they want [of prospective clients do not know what they want they do not r for services before we meet. If I tell them a number--whether it is $30 or $300 dollars it means nothing. I do not know what they want in full yet--and neither do they until they meet and I ask extensive questions--they do not really know what I do as I have not explained it yet. And last I heard there was no "going rate" for an Evolutionary Guide except the one I am currently charging. They certainly have not considered what the services would make possible and what that is worth. I have only ever had one client in nearly 200 clients that has considered it fully before I inquire specifically.

Not only do the numbers mean nothing at early stages of the process--worse, they are comparing it, in their mind, to commodities they could buy with that amount of money. Are they "worth" the same? Of course not. You can not get more love in your life and connectedness and intimacy by paying a car lease, or buying groceries, or a new suit. You can not improve your embodiment of your spirituality by buying a second house.

Yet that is what we encourage them to do by telling them a number up front. They are looking at how many groceries or car payments your fees compare to.

The outcome is inevitable. They start to price shop. And you have assisted them in misunderstanding the true value of your services. You have done them a disservice.

If you truly want to be of service to them in improving their lives, it is irresponsible of you to discuss money or rates before you meet, AND before the appropriate time during that meeting; near the end of that exploratory session. After they have met you, after you have inquired about their desires and outcomes in full. After you have then explained what your approach is--and how it can assist them in getting what they want. You should not selling in your presentation--you are just demonstrating competence and establishing unimpeachable credibility. And finally, after you have addressed any questions they have about the process or your offering, but before they see the agreement and your rates.

And really, the be of service, money should be the last thing you or they are concerned about. It should certainly not be your primary focus.

It is this approach that has me with a consistently full business of one-on-one clients [over 20 a week] and a 98% success rate of converting prospects to clients for 5 years running.

As you look at the above stats, know that I do not re-new clients. We complete at the end of 6 months. I am talking about constant new client acquisition.

With the one-one-one clients it is my general policy to only renew them under special circumstances. I am not just renewing them automatically–and do a full inquiry into the purpose behind doing so. That means I go through this process at least 3 or 4 times a month with a virtual stranger. It works. And I want you to be able to have that kind of confidence in your results–and to turn your practice into a business so that you can live a financially prosperous life as a result of your spiritual principles and living a purpose filled life. Rather than in spite of or in conflict with your spiritual life.

In nearly 5 years of being in this business full time, I have never once had this backfire on me–no one has ever declined to meet me for an exploratory as a result of this policy. I have twice had people in which were not financially qualified, but they were not financially qualified for anyone. And that is the risk I am willing to take for the benefits of this approach.

So HOW do you use this organizing principle?

• Have a firm and unshakable resolve to not discuss your rates. Put it in your FAQ and declare it to the world on your web site. Then, keep your word about it. [check your local laws and regulations if you are a licensed therapist]
• Discuss rates only at the appropriate time–after they say what it would make possible in their life, and right before they are handed the agreement
• Use these formulations to ask that question:
  • “If you had XYZ, what would that possible in your life?
  • “Once we achieve all of that together in this program, what would that open up for you in
    • Your relationships
    • Your emotional life
    • Your professional life?

Follow up with this question several times: What else would it make possible?

Get three or 4 out. Unless they go to something universal and spiritual that brings tears to their eyes–in which case, stop right there, it will not get any better than that. Also–be transparent. I usually add, “and that is the context you hold, and the value you are weighing this agreement against”. Sometimes I am even so transparent as to say, “Ok, time for me to do ask a silly sales question–because it is my duty to leverage you beyond the limitations you came here to resolve…that experience it makes possible? What is that worth to you if you could put a price on it?”

The more you hear the mind-blowing answers people give, the less you are fearful about raising your rates for new clients–and finally getting paid what you are worth; getting paid more in alignment with the differences you are making in their lives.

Of course, this is one small component of the larger structures you will need to have in place to become more effective at new client acquisition, but it is an important one. I look forward to sharing more with you and being your Guide as you turn your practice into a business in the 21st Century Marketplace.

One of the challenges I see so many coaches and solopreneurs struggle with is what they should charge for their services. Most do not know what they should charge. Many charge what they think they can get. Some charge whatever the next coach or practitioner charges. That is–”the going rate”. Many charge what they would be willing to pay themselves. Most charge less than they are worth–while improving the lives of others dramatically.

But why? And what are the solutions to this travesty of value?

“There is no such thing as failure–only feedback for course correction.”

It is rumored that a missile is of course over 90% of the time. That the purpose of its guidance systems are to constantly course correct, course correct, course correct. Most of the time, with an effective guidance system, we know that even given that necessity for course correction, the missile hits its intended target with a reasonably high level of accuracy.

You are that missile.

Just imagine if scientists, upon the first major failure of the Unites States’ manned moon missions looked at the fire, balled up their papers in front of them and with a great wail, shreaked “We are such a failure! We better not try to explore space! It is God’s realm–not meant for man!”

Actually you can bet some of the general public did. Thankfully, the general public does not reside at Mission Control in Houston.

Your job is to be a scientist of results, communication, and your own experience. To be fascinated by it. To have it, but not to be so in it, that it has you. Have your experience, but do not allow your experience to have you.

What this means is that you are experimenting, noticing your results, gathering feedback, trying again, and again, and again.

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” — Thomas Edison

There are many skills necessary for mastery of the internal navigation of your subjective experience. However, one of the major components is self-esteem. As previously discussed in Evolutionary Sales, it is your immune system for life and for results. It will give you the ability to look at your results practically, and adjust. Rather than taking it personally and making it mean something about your very worth and value in the world.

Be a scientist of subjective experience. A scientist of results. Ask not “is it possible or not”, but rather, “what do I need to do to achieve the result I desire; what do I need to learn, acquire, do, be”, etc., etc., ad infinitum.

Your mastery is an asymptote. You will master your mastery and then realize that there are such subtleties that you have only begun.–

And then you have reached an integral level of evolution and the game of development and personal evolution becomes a fun game indeed.

Cross posted at Personal Life Media.