One of the aspects of working on and in the context of personal evolution is that I am constantly in evolution in both senses of the word–”in it”, as in exploring the context and in the process of my own personal evolution as well–because you see, it is never over. Our evolution, which is really about allowing the greatest depths of ourselves to unfold and manifest in the world, is never over–because our depths are infinite. If who we are is a manifestation of the divine–an outpouring of Spirit, and the Kingdom of God is Within [and I believe it is] than there is no end to uncovering, clearing, and allowing that beauty to unfold in the world.

And I never ask my clients to do anything I have not done myself and am applying in my own life. Period. As such, this post is a little more personal for me to demonstrate that.

After my divorce, and the year long self-reflection that followed, I realized that for the most part, what consistently happened in my romantic relating was a zero-sum type of dynamic. That at the end of my relationship with a woman, she was tangibly more empowered, more comfortable with herself, more fully embodied, and proud of her womanhood.

Partly because it was my constant practice to be sure she felt loved, had per positive qualities acknowledged somehow on an actual daily basis [not the same ones, but what authentically struck me in the moment as I appreciated her at some point], that she not only had a daily reminder, with full connection and presence of my love for her [and what I loved about her and why] but that she blushed with my acknowledgments.

It was conscious. Intentional. And the relating really cost me dearly. I was psychically drained, more dis-empowered, and frankly, less of a man by the end. It was, in fact, a zero-sum game.

It was not the things I was doing that drained me. They were rewarding to just do it. It was the lack of any reciprocal expression, I think. And I other things they did that I lacked facility around.

The contrast had never been so great than after my divorce–and the dynamics never so clear as in that marriage.

Now, I never planned it that way, but once I noticed it after the divorce, I ended up having a zero-tolerance policy for romantic relating that was not about synergistic upward spirals where both people were winning–and the relating was winning too. A triple win game. Both parties were winning–AND the actual relating was winning too. It is healthier for me to just be alone and fully empowered McClain-Ness than to be in unfulfilling and relating that ultimately cost me energetically. Although it took me a while to adjust to that, and sadly there was one relationship in which she ended up being drained…but it is all a process–and sometimes that is about the pendulum swinging the other way before it swings back the middle to finally rest upon the golden mean.

But back to zero-sum…

Let’s face it–people who have little or no self-respect choose bad and even abusive relationships over being alone. Me? I would rather wake up alone, be in the company of just myself, than be in an unhealthy or un-fulfilling relationship. And I never have [and never will] just go from one relationship to another. Takes at least 6 months or so for self-reflection and the integration of the learnings before we can be responsible with another’s heart, But that is all romantic…

Six years later, I am just now getting to really make sure that is generalized into all relating–not just romantic.

This is all part of how I have been consciously going through ALL of my friendships, free of sentimentality or attachment, and shrewdly examining if they are rich, dynamic, healthy, and fulfilling–or if they are just habits. And then explicitly ending the friendship or deepening and continuing the friendship with more connection, engagement, and intentionality. Regardless of how much I love the individual I am in the friendship with I may be ending. The relating must also be fulfilling. and one of the most important things for me that has the relating fulfilling is emotional engagement…rather than fear and detachment. But real engagement–yet also free of identification or enmeshment.

SOMETIMES that means me making decisions for other people when their relating with me is not serving THEM. I used to refuse to do so, thinking I was availing them of the growth opportunity to declare boundaries, make those choices themselves, develop confidence in communicating their needs, etc. But given that most people are deficient in true esteem for the self, and self-respect [part of which is demonstrated by drawing boundaries] is one of the core components of esteem for the self [along with self-efficacy] but I stopped doing that. I am now quite comfortable making choices for others when they continually demonstrate they incompetent to do for themselves–so long as it is about relating with me.

That is quite enough of the why and the what. But what about the “how” Jason?

It is all about values and forms.

One of the exercises I have clients do in Phase 2 of the Personal Evolution program [and occasionally in the professional evolution program as well] is a full life, all context examination of what is important to them [values] and how they would know if it were being experienced by them; what would they be seeing, feeling hearing, doing, and experiencing that would prover to them they were experiencing value X, Y, or Z? Conflict often happens in the form [which is why politicians are scant on policy papers before the election]. Values [freedom, security, justice] are things that everyone can agree on–we all want that. The HOW of carrying them out? Conflict arises sure as the sun also rises.

So in seeking friendships or romantic relating, it is not enough to express that “communication” is important to us. For some that will mean asking about your day. For others that will mean that if you are bothered by something, no matter how small, you share your internal process. Communication is the value, but the form is different.

Anytime we are upset, barring an unresolved event from the past or a pervasive self-esteem issue, we must look to values. So this becomes a tool for elegant communication to have your needs expressed [and met] as well. One that avoids conflict or having the other person be wrong. One that has intimacy and a deeper level of understanding arise.

But that is a story for another time.

For now, do this:

Take 3 major contexts in your life [romantic, career, community] as ask your self what is important to you in those contexts. You will know it is a “value” if it is conceptual, abstract. If you can put it in a wheelbarrow or touch it or smell it, it is NOT a value, but a form. To “chunk up” higher to the value, ask, “what’s important to me about that?” If you are looking at forms, then it MUST be able to be put in a wheelbarrow–measured, touched, observed. If it can not, and it is an abstract value, then you can “chunk down” to the form by asking, “If I were experiencing _______ how would I know? What would I be seeing, feeling, hearing? What would my evidence be?”

I recommend 3 to 5 values in each context. And for each value, 3 forms or pieces of tangible evidence of that value being realized in the context.

The truth is that if you do this exercise, you might be terribly confronted by the relationship or the career you are in–or you will be relieved to have a conscious and explicit answer as to why you are not fulfilled–or you are drained, or their is conflict you can not understand.

If you are not in one of those context currently [you are single, or you are laid off, or looking for a gig] then this becomes a wonderful tool to overlay onto the person or organization. So you can consciously choose a relationship or organization that truly and consciously suits your values. Otherwise, the spiritual costs are immeasurable. No matter how great the compensation package, or how much chemistry, the spiritual costs of un-fulfilling contexts [where your values are not fulfilled] are immeasurable.

At the same time, be cautious that you are assessing others *through time*. If you only have a snap shot of them, and you are saying they do not suit you personally or professionally, you may be more living out a stage 1, low self-esteem ego game by being right and “justified” than by actually seeing a conflict of values, but that is also another story for another time.

Choose the conscious, fulfilling path. I beg of you, for you and for your Spiritual expression. while this may seem liek a lot of work, it is even more of a burden–and more insidiously so–to be in unfulfilling contexts.

So, ask yourself ::: are you in a habit, or in a relationship?

Communication, Uncategorized, emotions, inter-personal dynamics, intra-personal dynamics, organizing principles, relationships, self-esteem detachment, emotional freedom, facility with self, identification, organizing principles, self-esteem

“There is no such thing as failure–only feedback for course correction.”

It is rumored that a missile is of course over 90% of the time. That the purpose of its guidance systems are to constantly course correct, course correct, course correct. Most of the time, with an effective guidance system, we know that even given that necessity for course correction, the missile hits its intended target with a reasonably high level of accuracy.

You are that missile.

Just imagine if scientists, upon the first major failure of the Unites States’ manned moon missions looked at the fire, balled up their papers in front of them and with a great wail, shreaked “We are such a failure! We better not try to explore space! It is God’s realm–not meant for man!”

Actually you can bet some of the general public did. Thankfully, the general public does not reside at Mission Control in Houston.

Your job is to be a scientist of results, communication, and your own experience. To be fascinated by it. To have it, but not to be so in it, that it has you. Have your experience, but do not allow your experience to have you.

What this means is that you are experimenting, noticing your results, gathering feedback, trying again, and again, and again.

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” — Thomas Edison

There are many skills necessary for mastery of the internal navigation of your subjective experience. However, one of the major components is self-esteem. As previously discussed in Evolutionary Sales, it is your immune system for life and for results. It will give you the ability to look at your results practically, and adjust. Rather than taking it personally and making it mean something about your very worth and value in the world.

Be a scientist of subjective experience. A scientist of results. Ask not “is it possible or not”, but rather, “what do I need to do to achieve the result I desire; what do I need to learn, acquire, do, be”, etc., etc., ad infinitum.

Your mastery is an asymptote. You will master your mastery and then realize that there are such subtleties that you have only begun.–

And then you have reached an integral level of evolution and the game of development and personal evolution becomes a fun game indeed.

Cross posted at Personal Life Media.

ego, emotions, intra-personal dynamics, organizing principles, sales and marketing tips detachment, emotional freedom, emotions, facility with self, organizing principles

Part 1: Identification

“The ultimate spiritual practice is dis-identifying from that which you think is you—objects in your awareness…” —Ken Wilber, Kosmic Consciousness

On August 7th, 2006, my apartment burned down. I lost everything aside from my laptop and the majority of my clothing, which had luckily been moved the night before to another location.

What do you do when your house burns down and you lose virtually all of your possessions? In the context of Personal Evolution, it is an opportunity. An opportunity to dis-identify from that which you think is you—and that which you have grown attached to. It is also an opportunity to explore just where and to what ”things” you are identified, or more accurately—to what degree.

You may ask, “why?” or “for what purpose?”

One of the aspects of the human experience that people could most benefit from is emotional freedom. To learn to become free from what is quite often self-generated misery. That is, the ability to respond rather than react. The ability to skip over the misery you need to move through anyway in order to uncover the solutions. The ability to rapidly overcome challenges. The ability to rapidly see the gift or the benefit to whatever painful experience we may have in our human being-ness. And above all, the ability to stay resourceful, or rapidly return to a place of centered authentic resourcefulness, in the face of great adversity.

Notice the word “ability” repeatedly in those statements.

It is a skill; an ability to develop. Developing “facility with Self”, that is, the ability to navigate your own interiors such that you can have choice…choice around your interpretive experience, choice around your evaluative experience, choice around and over your subjective experience in general. And, choice exercised for long enough becomes a habit.

That habit becomes emotional freedom.

If I were forced to pick just one…the practice of dis-identification is the single most powerful gateway to emotional freedom.

The reality is, we are all identified with something to some degree. It may be to a large degree. It may be subtle and minute. The degree to which we are free from identification is largely the degree to which we are free emotionally around the object of identification.
What do we identify with?

It may be our finances. It may be our possessions. It may be our intimate relationship. It may be our political affiliation, our sexuality, our beliefs or our religion, our nationality, our ethnicity, our looks, or our bodies. It may be our reputation or our efficacy or our intelligence. Whatever the case or cases may be, this seems to be part of the human condition if left to our devices—if we do not practice dis-identification.

Have you ever felt fear or panic at the loss of a possession only to later find it? Have you ever actually lost a possession and felt great sadness as a result? Have you ever become extremely defensive or aggressive when someone challenged a belief you held dear; defending it almost as if you were defending your very life? Have you ever experience extreme misery once a relationship ended to such a degree that you felt lost—literally uncertain of who you are without it? Have you ever felt severe shame or even despair when a behavioral choice you made resulted in a dramatic negative impact on your social or professional reputation? Did you contemplate suicide as a result? Do you know someone who did or has?

These are all clear symptoms of an unconscious identification with the “object” or “concept” being challenged. That is to say that consciously [rarely] or unconsciously [often] you feel it actually is you.

Do you have your possessions—or do they have you? Do you have your relationship—or does it have you? Do you have your reputation—or does it have you? Do you have your finances—or do they have you? Do you have your political positions—or do they have you? Do you have your spiritual beliefs—or do they have you? Do you have your emotional experience…or…does it have you?

Of course the universal spiritual truth is that you are none of those things. Who you are is the Witness—your awareness; that which is observing it all. This is all well and good to intellectualize—to have the insight. Many have had the insight. Be it in prayer, through the reading of a particularly insightful book, in meditation, through the experience with a guru, or walking down the street one fine day. It is not the realizing it that brings freedom. Just as reading a book on finances does not make you a wise investor, it is the integration of this principle into every context of your life that will give you the freedom you desire and deserve. It is the integration of this principle that will ultimately have you experience more consistent joy, happiness, and peace.

What would it be worth to you to have consistent access to those states?

Having become clear on the what and the why, the question becomes: “how do we practice dis-identification?” The answer is simple, and not easy. Whenever we are identified with an object in our awareness, we will know from our emotions and/or our bodily sensations.

When we imagine losing something—or think it will be taken from us, which is essentially the same—be it a limb, an intimate relationship, or a possession, do we feel fear? Panic? Do you feel a pulling sensation? A turn in your stomach? An uneasiness, etc.? Once we notice this, then the practice is to detach from it through observation. Objectify the sensation in a positive way—become fascinated by it. In this moment, notice you are not the sensation. You are not your fear or your panic or your compulsion or your desire. You have it, but it does not have to have you. You are not it. Who you are is the watcher, the observer, the Witness. You are consciousness. Pure awareness.

Do this often.

It is a skill; a muscle to build. And just as when you visit the gym for the first time ever, or for the first time in a long while, the movements at first may seem uncoordinated and unpracticed. They may seem awkward. However, just as with any skill to be developed, from kinesthetic to artistic to intellectual to sexual to communicative, it takes practice to become efficacious. It may not be easy at first, but it will become more and more so. And the easier it becomes and the more practiced you become at it, you will begin to notice the tremendous benefits and results of your skill. You will begin to navigate your own interiors. You will begin to experience greater and greater choice and freedom. And in the space of that freedom, your natural birthright will be uncovered and arise, bubbling to the surface. Your natural human nature—innocence, joy, playfulness, spontaneity, and true happiness. Happiness from within. Happiness arising from the purity and cleanliness of your own consciousness.

Once enough of us have reached that stage, and have consistent access to it—once it is our center of gravity—then we will have truly conspired in happiness. We will have collaborated to create a world in which we all want to belong.

ego, emotions, intra-personal dynamics detachment, ego, emotional freedom, identification, identity, vipassanna

Be sure to see parts one, two, and three here, here, and here respectively.

In this piece we will examine the assumptions that lead to guilt, the structure of shame, and the antidotes to both.

Guilt

Q: “I often feel guilty for things I have done.”
A: [S.N. Geonka ] “Guilt has no place in Dhamma [the path to enlightenment or ‘the law of nature’].”

I assert that guilt serves no purpose in inter-personal relations. No legitimate purpose.

Some say “if the person feels guilty or remorseful, then I can be assured they will not repeat this terrible wrong they committed against me” or “ I am assured of their good character”.

Is this accurate? Let’s examine this together.

Sharon slept with another man, violating the monogamous covenant she shared with her husband. She felt “bad” and out of guilt, told him the truth. She swore it would never happen again. Seeing how badly she felt, her husband felt assured this would not happen again and stayed with her and the marriage commitment. A few years later, Sharon was unfaithful a second time and in fact, carried on an affair with another man. This time she felt she best not be honest with her husband. How many chances would he give her, really? Unfortunately, he found out about it through some carelessness of hers and some direct questioning which followed. Again, she was authentically remorseful and felt guilty for misleading and breaking her husband’s trust—she did not feel bad just for getting caught, rather she felt authentically guilty for what she had done. They separated, sought counseling, and eventually divorced.

Far from Sharon being a fiction of my mind for the purpose of illustration, this story is real, and the name has been changed. And, this is just one example of many I could give of patterns of behavior, remorse or guilt, and repetition of the problem behavior.

Guilt is unreliable [at best] as a guarantee of future behavior. We have all seen people apologize and be guilt-ridden, yet commit the same acts repeatedly.

I go so far in my own relations as to let people know very clearly that their guilt and apologies hold no currency with me. I WANT them to feel free emotionally about any “wrong” they may have committed against me. At the same time, I may not want them to commit the same act against me again—I do want assurance of a shift in behavior and an honest and earnest intention by them to do so through learning. For that, guilt does not help. In fact, it is a hindrance What is simply needed is their acknowledgement of the mistake and their pledge to not commit the act again. If it happens repeatedly, then there are practical choices to be made: do we continue to invest time and energy with this individual? Read more…

emotions, inter-personal dynamics, intra-personal dynamics, relationships detachment, ego, emotional freedom, identification, identity, vipassanna