Over at the Ultimate Self Blog,  Liliane Rausch muses about unconditional love and asks:

Correct me if I am wrong, but we all want to be loved unconditionally. According to Maslow, our primary needs in life are food, shelter and safety and I agree, but how about adding unconditional love to that list? Isn’t it the best thing in the world to be accepted for whom U are, even when that special person in your life finds out all of our not-so-very-nice-and-cute habits?

And ends with this query:

When and how does unconditional love and friendship become conditional?

I think both questions are worth exploring. For me, the answer to the first is pretty straight forward: unconditional love is a kind of emotional safety. It provides food and shelter for our hearts, in a way. That safety is something we can relax into, and then expand into. Something that allows us to unfold–and assists us in exposing more of our Divine Self [or Ultimate Self, if you prefer].

And yes, Maslow seemed to be missing that one.

Sadly, though, it takes an advanced stage of egoic development for all love to not be transactional or conditional. For most, if they do XYZ, we stop loving them–until we reach an integral [or beyond] stage of egoic emotional development, where we can separate the door from the heart–if they abuse you, or simply do something you can not tolerate, you may leave out of self respect, but you can still love them unconditionally. That is an advanced stage of development.

So I would turn the question on its head: under what conditions can love become unconditional? How do we develop ourselves such that a stage of loving is possible where it is not tied to performance, mood, or goods. And once that is answered, how do we accelerate the process for ourselves and others–in service of creating a better world?

That is the place we should all strive to get to [and deepen to].

ego, emotions, inter-personal dynamics, self-esteem ego, emotions, inter-personal dynamics, love

Some of you know I have developed a comprehensive system and approach to personal evolution.

It is the most efficient as well as comprehensive approach to getting all that you want…as it goes to the core–how you relate to your self and how you relate to the events in your life.  It ripples out to all contexts. This alleviates you from running to this workshop and that workshop and never quite getting that “thing”. This is the result of 17 years of study and integration of everything from NLP to LandMark to Buddhism to Self-Esteem to the Integral movement.

How you relate to yourself and how you relate to the events in your life evolves–and it evolves through stages. This is empirically proven. The question then becomes–how to accelerate the process.

Is there something stopping you from reaching your full potential? Something elusive you can’t quite identify? Do you experience something in the way of you having the kind of life you want and deserve? Does fear, anger, sadness, shame, guilt or for some, even grief, weigh you down unnecessarily? Do you often take things personally? Do you find yourself acting in reaction against, or in continuation of the patterns your parents demonstrated?

You would like to be free from significantly negative emotional events from your past? Truly free—to such a degree you are even grateful for them? Would you like to have a greater understanding of the power of your mind and the minds of those around you?

Have you attended personal development events and found them useful, but ultimately unfulfilling? Have you experienced “transformation”, but found it ultimately unpredictable or unsustainable without a rigorous community?

Would you be interested in freeing up so much of your essence that you were able live your life’s purpose—and prosper from it?

If you answered yes to any of that, join me for this free event.
Learn how to Evolve your Self–your ego and your emotions–through the three basic stages

•Clear your past and free up that energy [for your relationships, your projects, your art, your purpose]
•Build a deep relationship to your self and learn to manage your own mind
[so you do not need someone like me in the future]
•Learn how to integrate that and tap the deep well spring of Spirit within you

Join me to find out how:::
RSVP Required
What: Free Intro to Personal Evolution | The Evolutionary Ego
When: Monday, March 30th, 7:15 pm
Where: 582 Market Street  ||  10th Floor Conference Room  ||  San Francisco CA

events ego, emotions, events

Many people have read this piece and encouraged me to post it publicly. So, by popular demand…

It is an email I posted to a client near the end of their completion of the Personal Evolution Program, and in it I address a need for approval, ego development, the purpose and motivation for personal evolution…and the distinction between self-worth and value, and more…

Your self-worth is a settled matter if you will accept it as such.

Enjoy.

======++++++++=====+++++++

Now back to you.

I was thinking about the approval thing. But first–you have come a long way. So stop, take a deep breath, turn around towards the sunset and enjoy the vista. You deserve it.

“The mountain we climb in Personal Evolution is a bit like a mirage while hiking/climbing a mountain. You could stop now and camp for the night–or say, “forget this”, it and go back down the mountainside. Buuuuutt, you can also see there is a reachable summit. So you choose to go further–yet…when you reach what you thought would be the summit, there is yet another summit that materializes out of the mist. And this goes on forever. There is no omega point except when you choose to simply stop and rest.

Each of us have that choice every day. For some, we still consciously choose to continue to deepen our depths–and plumb just behind them. There is no end or bottom to the depth, there are only unplumbed depths. For others, they have achieved a high enough peak, that there is no motivation–no real life reason–to climb the next.  And there are others I will not list in the interests of time. I choose–consciously–to evolve further when I should or must–that is when my business or financial or relational results are inhibited by some aspect of myself. Otherwise, I am pretty darned content with where I am at-BUT I still need to have constant attention on where I need to be for others in the context in which I want to move with greater velocity–or frankly, sometimes, ANY velocity.

I urge you to make the same or a similar real world criteria as you become more and more comfortable with you you are…and as you come to full acceptance of yourself, there is a pitfall of not caring what others think–and disregarding their feedback. Care what others think in practical terms–and care deeply–as it fosters results. Do not care about their opinions and judgments of you on a personal level. That is–think about the practical results and adjust, but know that as an internally validated man, the matter of your self-worth is settled. The question of the value you bring to people and the world in this context or that context, well, that is never settled as it depends on too many variables [each individuals expectations and sensibilities, your skill and competence in the domain, your sensitivities/awareness when adjustments are needed, market forces, etc.]. But that is a separate practical matter.

The personal: your self-worth, is a settled matter. It is…well, pick your preference/metaphor: it is good. It is priceless. It is worth-full. It is Spirit manifest. It is divine.

As for the seeking of approval-that is obviously pretending as if your worth could be determined externally. It can not. Whether you realize it yet or not, you still have to accept the opinion of others–good, bad, right, wrong–to have their opinions matter. In other words, you have the ultimate choice still–even if you are not exercising it to as full a degree as you will enjoy in the future.

But why even do this work? What does it make possible? Why spend the time, energy, and the–at times–grueling work of dis-identification, detachment, and internalizing validity when you notice it as external? Why forgo the feel good and the short term false ego pump of compliments?

In a word: Freedom.

Freedom from what? Freedom from the ebbs and flows of the opinions and judgments of others. Why is this important? So you can gather feedback, without the moral and emotional cloud of personal meaning. Here is the challenge with tying your valuation to another’s opinions: you are not only cast about from one end to the other, AND the problem with that is that people react from and interpret through their stage of egoic, emotional, and values meme stage of development. There will be patterns and probabilities, and all feedback is valid for them, but there is only so much contorting you can engage in, and stay sane and centered, and more importantly, live authentically–true to yourself.

Additionally, believe me, as someone who has had people tell me I am a god [literally] on more than one occasion and at times, had people tell me I was an a**hole and the devil’s spawn [literally] I came to realize that no matter what they say, the truth is somewhere in the middle, and their acknowledgments and their judgments are worth only one thing: getting specifics around those experiences [I did X Y and Z in A context and they felt B emotion as a result] for the purpose of adjusting my behavior for improved results.

Their characterizations are worthless except as crude pointers to their stage of development because, again, we interpret through and react and respond from our stage of development

And even then, I have to gauge how valuable it is — determined solely by how large a percentage of people are at that stage and would react/interpret the same way. All feedback is valid–and everyone’s emotional experience is valid as it is and to be left untouched unless requested otherwise. However, not all feedback is valuable.

Now, what I can not say is where the line is between the idea that they are responsible for their own emotional experience–and you are not–and where you are responsible for your impact on others and the results you garner. That is a line I have yet to determine for myself after nearly a decade of inquiry. I do know that I tend to move more and more towards having room for the emotional reactions I create in others-sometimes by simply walking through the room, or making a benign comment about my schedule, or not noticing someone in a room I am in–having space for that and having them feel valid without my trying to adjust their experience is a skill I am still developing and only in the last year and a half feel fully competent at. And I get it right about 65% of the time.

Circling back–the thing to remember is that you are already determining your own worth, by agreeing or disagreeing with those who assess you as good/bad or some variation. You still have to buy into their perspective. And since you are the ultimate decider, decide now, that irrespective of the value assessments they are making and the validity of the feedback, the matter of your self-worth is settled.

We were told a lie as children–something about original sin. It is more accurate to say we were born with universal innocence. And imagine, the preciousness and the innocence of a blameless child. At your core…that is you irrespective of any behaviors that are not aligned–YOU, at your core, are precious and pure, and have a hologram of divinity that you are reflecting and projecting.

To think otherwise is an error–a mistake–and nothing more.

In Service and in Evolution,

Jason

ego, emotions, inter-personal dynamics, self-esteem client advice, ego, emotions, self-esteem

As I mentioned in an earlier episode of Evolutionary Sales, it is impossible to over-estimate the importance of Self-Esteem, or as I prefer to say: “esteem for the self”.

Why would I assert it is impossible to over-estimate the importance of Self-Esteem?

Its viability is your immune system for life–and the antidote to most of your day-to-day emotional and interpersonal struggles and challenges. Whether you take things too personally, fail to rebound from rejection quickly enough, have nagging self-doubts, seek validation, or question your ability to create the life you want…it could be considered a self-esteem issue. In fact, whether it is true or not, it would be useful to consider all upset as sourced in self-esteem or insufficient ego development.

Self-esteem is one of the most important, yet most overused and misunderstood concepts in popular psychology today.

What Self-Esteem Is and Is Not

Nathaniel Branden, PhD
Copyright © 1997, Nathaniel Branden, All Rights Reserved
This article is adapted from “The Art of Living Consciously” (Simon & Schuster, 1997).

Four decades ago, when I began lecturing on self-esteem, the challenge was to persuade people that the subject was worthy of study. Almost no one was talking or writing about self-esteem in those days. Today, almost everyone seems to be talking about self-esteem, and the danger is that the idea may become trivialized. And yet, of all the judgments we pass in life, none is more important than the judgment we pass on ourselves.

Having written on this theme in a series of books, I want, in this short article, to address the issue of what self-esteem is, what it depends on, and what are some of the most prevalent misconceptions about it.

Self-esteem is an experience. It is a particular way of experiencing the self. It is a good deal more than a mere feeling—this must be stressed. It involves emotional, evaluative, and cognitive components. It also entails certain action dispositions: to move toward life rather than away from it; to move toward consciousness rather than away from it; to treat facts with respect rather than denial; to operate self-responsibly rather than the opposite. Read more…

emotions, inter-personal dynamics, intra-personal dynamics, self-esteem ego, sales, self-esteem

Welcome to the 21st Century Marketplace.

There has been a shift afoot in the marketplace for decades. A shift that is approaching critical mass. Consumers of products and services have so much choice and so much access to information that they are now free to choose those providers who most suit their preferences.

This…is good. It creates competition and depth like never before.

What is also becoming apparent is that people are no longer interested in disconnected and uncaring service and product providers. They want people to care for them, connect with them, and demonstrate that you care for their needs, wants, and desires over your desires for monetary gain. And the truth is, if you help enough people get what they want and need, you will eventually have more than you could ever want.

What is required in the 21st Century Marketplace is to come from a foundation of service, contribution, and yes, perhaps even Purpose. A life or spiritual purpose. Nothing religious, mind you–and you do not necessarily even want to share this foundation or purpose with your prospects or clients explicitly or verbally–just behaviorally. They will sense it. They will “feel it” if you will. If you do not, they may choose someone over you even though your product or service looks better on paper–and it will be a result of your failure to take on the 21st Century Marketplace Mindset; your failure to adjust to the modern requirements of the marketplace.

One thing is for sure: If you want to thrive in the 21st Century Marketplace, and not just survive, you will want to be sure to actively mine your own depths for the reason and deeper purpose behind the work you do and the benefits of the products you offer. You will need to understand the deeper values being tapped by your clients and prospects as they interact with their business–both so you can understand them deeper as well as assist them in bringing those values into realization in their lives.

The sites for the Evolutionary Companies, Coaching the Life Coach and Evolutionary Sales, will be grounded in this philosophy. A philosophy of combining the best of the East and their spiritual traditions of service and contribution as well as the best of the West: freedom, free market capitalism, entrepreneurship, agility, and technology.

This is your nexus.

There need be no division between money and purpose. Between fulfillment and business. If you feel hesitancy or guilt around money–this integration is the antidote. If you feel like you are not living as fulfilling a life as you could as you engage in your quest for prosperity–this integration is the antidote.

Coaching the Life Coach and Evolutionary Sales are about bringing you hard-cast nuts and bolts to build your business and become more effective with the people in front of you–through communication skills, technology, and specific and tangible steps to allow you to create explosive results. However all of that will less effective without the 21st Century Marketplace Mindset: a foundation of contribution, service, and a lack of any attachment to “closing that deal” if it serves you more than your client. The 21st Century Marketplace is about opening relationships and within that closing deals to be mutually beneficial.

I thank you for allowing me to be your Guide in the 21st Century Marketplace.

21st Century Marketplace, Evolutionary Sales, Purpose, audio, coaching practice tips, ego, featured, inter-personal dynamics, sales and marketing tips, spirituality ego, evolution, marketing, sales, sales tips, web 2.0

In this session of Evolutionary Radio, Ian Blei, founder of Optimized Results, is interviewing me on Personal Evolution, what it means to be an Evolutionary Guide, what clients report who work with me, why I offer a complimentary exploratory session, what people can expect from that session and much, much more.

Your options are much easier now. You can either use the in-line player by clicking on it below, or use one of the various links to download or play it in another window.

Podcasts: Evolutionary Radio, ego, intra-personal dynamics ego, hypnosis, nlp, personal evolution, self-esteem

From the Marin Independent Journal August 7th, 2006:

San Rafael firefighters are investigating the cause of a two-alarm fire that destroyed a D Street apartment Sunday afternoon. No one was injured in the fire. “We have no idea what caused it,” Battalion Chief Ritt Hewitt said.

He said the fire’s origins were confusing, but not suspicious.

“It began in a room that was almost bare, except for some books and small electronic items,” Hewitt said. “We’re not sure what happened.”

Firefighters arrived at 412 D Street at 2:19 p.m. to find a small but intense fire burning in the apartment of Addrianna Reitenbach.

“The glass blew out, and we were worried that the fire might spread to a nearby utility pole,” Hewitt said. “But that was only for a short time.”

While the fire left Reitenbach’s apartment a charred, blackened mess, the rest of the building, a commercial/residential complex, sustained no significant damage, Hewitt said.

“Both of our laptops, which contain both of our businesses, weren’t in the apartment at the time of the fire, so there was no harm done there,” said Jason McClain, a friend of Reitenbach’s. “We have a wide community of friends that we can stay with, so there should be no problem.”

Reitenbach and McClain had left the apartment earlier that morning and were mystified by the cause of the fire, McClain said.

“We’re not smokers, and we didn’t have any heaters on or electronic devices plugged in,” McClain said.

ego, emotions, intra-personal dynamics ego, facility with self, identification, identity, vipassanna

Part 1: Identification

“The ultimate spiritual practice is dis-identifying from that which you think is you—objects in your awareness…” —Ken Wilber, Kosmic Consciousness

On August 7th, 2006, my apartment burned down. I lost everything aside from my laptop and the majority of my clothing, which had luckily been moved the night before to another location.

What do you do when your house burns down and you lose virtually all of your possessions? In the context of Personal Evolution, it is an opportunity. An opportunity to dis-identify from that which you think is you—and that which you have grown attached to. It is also an opportunity to explore just where and to what ”things” you are identified, or more accurately—to what degree.

You may ask, “why?” or “for what purpose?”

One of the aspects of the human experience that people could most benefit from is emotional freedom. To learn to become free from what is quite often self-generated misery. That is, the ability to respond rather than react. The ability to skip over the misery you need to move through anyway in order to uncover the solutions. The ability to rapidly overcome challenges. The ability to rapidly see the gift or the benefit to whatever painful experience we may have in our human being-ness. And above all, the ability to stay resourceful, or rapidly return to a place of centered authentic resourcefulness, in the face of great adversity.

Notice the word “ability” repeatedly in those statements.

It is a skill; an ability to develop. Developing “facility with Self”, that is, the ability to navigate your own interiors such that you can have choice…choice around your interpretive experience, choice around your evaluative experience, choice around and over your subjective experience in general. And, choice exercised for long enough becomes a habit.

That habit becomes emotional freedom.

If I were forced to pick just one…the practice of dis-identification is the single most powerful gateway to emotional freedom.

The reality is, we are all identified with something to some degree. It may be to a large degree. It may be subtle and minute. The degree to which we are free from identification is largely the degree to which we are free emotionally around the object of identification.
What do we identify with?

It may be our finances. It may be our possessions. It may be our intimate relationship. It may be our political affiliation, our sexuality, our beliefs or our religion, our nationality, our ethnicity, our looks, or our bodies. It may be our reputation or our efficacy or our intelligence. Whatever the case or cases may be, this seems to be part of the human condition if left to our devices—if we do not practice dis-identification.

Have you ever felt fear or panic at the loss of a possession only to later find it? Have you ever actually lost a possession and felt great sadness as a result? Have you ever become extremely defensive or aggressive when someone challenged a belief you held dear; defending it almost as if you were defending your very life? Have you ever experience extreme misery once a relationship ended to such a degree that you felt lost—literally uncertain of who you are without it? Have you ever felt severe shame or even despair when a behavioral choice you made resulted in a dramatic negative impact on your social or professional reputation? Did you contemplate suicide as a result? Do you know someone who did or has?

These are all clear symptoms of an unconscious identification with the “object” or “concept” being challenged. That is to say that consciously [rarely] or unconsciously [often] you feel it actually is you.

Do you have your possessions—or do they have you? Do you have your relationship—or does it have you? Do you have your reputation—or does it have you? Do you have your finances—or do they have you? Do you have your political positions—or do they have you? Do you have your spiritual beliefs—or do they have you? Do you have your emotional experience…or…does it have you?

Of course the universal spiritual truth is that you are none of those things. Who you are is the Witness—your awareness; that which is observing it all. This is all well and good to intellectualize—to have the insight. Many have had the insight. Be it in prayer, through the reading of a particularly insightful book, in meditation, through the experience with a guru, or walking down the street one fine day. It is not the realizing it that brings freedom. Just as reading a book on finances does not make you a wise investor, it is the integration of this principle into every context of your life that will give you the freedom you desire and deserve. It is the integration of this principle that will ultimately have you experience more consistent joy, happiness, and peace.

What would it be worth to you to have consistent access to those states?

Having become clear on the what and the why, the question becomes: “how do we practice dis-identification?” The answer is simple, and not easy. Whenever we are identified with an object in our awareness, we will know from our emotions and/or our bodily sensations.

When we imagine losing something—or think it will be taken from us, which is essentially the same—be it a limb, an intimate relationship, or a possession, do we feel fear? Panic? Do you feel a pulling sensation? A turn in your stomach? An uneasiness, etc.? Once we notice this, then the practice is to detach from it through observation. Objectify the sensation in a positive way—become fascinated by it. In this moment, notice you are not the sensation. You are not your fear or your panic or your compulsion or your desire. You have it, but it does not have to have you. You are not it. Who you are is the watcher, the observer, the Witness. You are consciousness. Pure awareness.

Do this often.

It is a skill; a muscle to build. And just as when you visit the gym for the first time ever, or for the first time in a long while, the movements at first may seem uncoordinated and unpracticed. They may seem awkward. However, just as with any skill to be developed, from kinesthetic to artistic to intellectual to sexual to communicative, it takes practice to become efficacious. It may not be easy at first, but it will become more and more so. And the easier it becomes and the more practiced you become at it, you will begin to notice the tremendous benefits and results of your skill. You will begin to navigate your own interiors. You will begin to experience greater and greater choice and freedom. And in the space of that freedom, your natural birthright will be uncovered and arise, bubbling to the surface. Your natural human nature—innocence, joy, playfulness, spontaneity, and true happiness. Happiness from within. Happiness arising from the purity and cleanliness of your own consciousness.

Once enough of us have reached that stage, and have consistent access to it—once it is our center of gravity—then we will have truly conspired in happiness. We will have collaborated to create a world in which we all want to belong.

ego, emotions, intra-personal dynamics detachment, ego, emotional freedom, identification, identity, vipassanna

Be sure to see parts one, two, and three here, here, and here respectively.

In this piece we will examine the assumptions that lead to guilt, the structure of shame, and the antidotes to both.

Guilt

Q: “I often feel guilty for things I have done.”
A: [S.N. Geonka ] “Guilt has no place in Dhamma [the path to enlightenment or ‘the law of nature’].”

I assert that guilt serves no purpose in inter-personal relations. No legitimate purpose.

Some say “if the person feels guilty or remorseful, then I can be assured they will not repeat this terrible wrong they committed against me” or “ I am assured of their good character”.

Is this accurate? Let’s examine this together.

Sharon slept with another man, violating the monogamous covenant she shared with her husband. She felt “bad” and out of guilt, told him the truth. She swore it would never happen again. Seeing how badly she felt, her husband felt assured this would not happen again and stayed with her and the marriage commitment. A few years later, Sharon was unfaithful a second time and in fact, carried on an affair with another man. This time she felt she best not be honest with her husband. How many chances would he give her, really? Unfortunately, he found out about it through some carelessness of hers and some direct questioning which followed. Again, she was authentically remorseful and felt guilty for misleading and breaking her husband’s trust—she did not feel bad just for getting caught, rather she felt authentically guilty for what she had done. They separated, sought counseling, and eventually divorced.

Far from Sharon being a fiction of my mind for the purpose of illustration, this story is real, and the name has been changed. And, this is just one example of many I could give of patterns of behavior, remorse or guilt, and repetition of the problem behavior.

Guilt is unreliable [at best] as a guarantee of future behavior. We have all seen people apologize and be guilt-ridden, yet commit the same acts repeatedly.

I go so far in my own relations as to let people know very clearly that their guilt and apologies hold no currency with me. I WANT them to feel free emotionally about any “wrong” they may have committed against me. At the same time, I may not want them to commit the same act against me again—I do want assurance of a shift in behavior and an honest and earnest intention by them to do so through learning. For that, guilt does not help. In fact, it is a hindrance What is simply needed is their acknowledgement of the mistake and their pledge to not commit the act again. If it happens repeatedly, then there are practical choices to be made: do we continue to invest time and energy with this individual? Read more…

emotions, inter-personal dynamics, intra-personal dynamics, relationships detachment, ego, emotional freedom, identification, identity, vipassanna